Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.
My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.
Never eat at a place called 'Moms', but if the only other place in town has a sign that says 'Eats', go back to Moms.
I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.
I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.
If it does not work the first time, try, try again. Then quit. No need to be an idiot.
I never eat before breakfast.
Never mind what I told you - you do as I tell you.
If there's a will, prosperity can't be far behind.
Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness... I thought I'd lost it.
Remember, Lady Godiva put all she had on a horse and she lost her shirt!
All things considered, I'd rather be in Philadelphia
W. C. Fields, a lifetime agnostic, was discovered reading a Bible on his deathbed. ''I'm looking for a loop-hole,'' he explained.
If I ever found a church that didn't believe in knocking all the other churches, I might consider joining it.
Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again.
All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.
I've been barbecued, stewed, screwed, tattooed, and fried by people claiming to be my friends. The human race has gone backward, not forward, since the days we were apes swinging through the trees.
I never met a kid I liked.
I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.
Buried my wife the other day. Had to, she died.
I never drank anything stronger than beer before I was twelve.
I've been asked if I ever get the DTs. I don't know. It's hard to tell where Hollywood ends and the DTs begin.
It's quite true I'm not drinking anymore; however, I'm not drinking any less either.
I like my films to influence the audience. Even if it means tripping their aged grandparents with a cane when they get home.
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