Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.
If a thing is worth having, it's worth cheating for.
When asked to borrow money: "I'll see what my lawyer says. . . . And if he says yes, I'll get another lawyer.
During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
Thou shalt not kill anything less than a fifth.
No man is boss in his own home, but he can make up for it, he thinks, by making a dog play dead.
There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it.
I note the derogatory rumors concerning the use of alcoholic stimulants and lavish living. It is the penalty of greatness.
I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it's around the woman's neck
Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night
All my available funds are completely tied up in cash.
I'd take a Bromo, but I can't stand the noise.
I don't object to nine aces in one deck. But when a man lays down five aces in one hand... and besides, I know what I dealt him!
I don't believe in dining on an empty stomach.
Sleep! The most beautiful experience in life. Except drink.
How well I remember my first encounter with The Devil'ss Brew. I happened to stumble across a case of bourbon - and went right on stumbling for several days thereafter.
Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.
Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose--to make people laugh.
I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.
The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.
The two-headed boy in the circus never had such a headache.
I've never hit a woman in my life. Not even my own mother.
What a gorgeous day. What effulgent sunshine. It was a day of this sort the McGillicuddy brothers murdered their mother with an axe.
Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain unless you've used up all the other four-letter words.
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