Some people put us down. But I still haven't heard of any Americans trying to swim across the border into Mexico!
Laughter is therapy-an instant vacation.
I can still chase women, only downhill
My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?
The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.
I always like to go to Washington D.C. It gives me a chance to visit my money.
She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction.
Where else but in America could the women's liberation movement take off their bras, then go on TV to complain about their lack of support?
When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.
Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.
I was called Rembrandt Hope in my boxing days, because I spent so much time on the canvas.
Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives of some of our most useless citizens.
It's a wonderful world. It may destroy itself but you'll be able to watch it all on TV.
Golf is a hard game to figure. One day you will go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and, for no reason at all, you really stink.
One of the greatest gifts to mankind is laughter, and one of the greatest gifts to laughter is Lucille Ball. God has her now but thanks to television, we'll have her forever.
I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me.
Following his doctor's orders, Nikita (Khrushchev) has cut his drinking in half. He's leaving out the water.
Middle age is when you still believe you'll feel better in the morning.
Don't people know that they don't have to heckle the president of the United States? That's what Congress is for.
I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.
I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type.
Your ignorance cramps my conversation
Welcome to the Academy Awards, or, as it's known at my house, Passover.
America is a country where the Olympics and the divorce lawyers both have the same slogan - Go for the Gold.
Eisenhower admitted that the budget can't be balanced and McCarthy said the communists are taking over. You don't know what to worry about these days - whether the country will be overthrown or overdrawn.
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