It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.
How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?
Oh, everything looks bad if you remember it.
Whoever said, 'It's not whether you win or lose that counts,' probably lost.
Art is what separates us from the animals.
Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix.
You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try.' Homer Simpson
It's not whether you win or lose - but whether I win or lose.
Beer. Now there's a temporary solution!
I've always wondered if there was a God. And now I know there is -- and it's me.
It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you place the blame.
Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.
We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn't hear anybody laughing, did you?
You know, the one with all the well meaning rules that don't work out in real life, uh, Christianity.
I'm better than dirt. Well, most kinds of dirt, not that fancy store-bought dirt... I can't compete with that stuff.
Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.
When a woman says nothing's wrong, that means everything's wrong. And when a woman says everything's wrong, that means everything's wrong! And when a woman says something's not funny, you'd better not laugh your ass off!
I’ll keep it short and sweet - Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.
America's health care system is second only to Japan, Canada, Sweden, Great Britain, well ... all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky starts we don't live in Paraguay!
You can't handle the truth!
First you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women.
Homer no function beer well without.
I like my beer cold, my TV loud, and my homosexuals flaming.
But you can't stop at one, you wanna drink another woman!
When will I learn? The answers to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle. They're on TV!
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