There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
Comedy is the blues for people who can’t sing.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
Yeah, I love being famous. It's almost like being white, y'know?
Who's judging American Idol? Paula Abdul? Paula Abdul judging a singing contest is like Christopher Reeve judging a dance contest!
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
A comedy club is a place where you work out material, you're trying material.
I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
Everyone has favorite criminals. Mine are pimps. We can all rob a bank; we can all sell drugs. Being a pimp is a whole other thing.
Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.
A white boy that makes C's in college can make it to the White House.
Gay people got a right to be as miserable as everybody else.
Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollar, we wouldn't have any innocent bystanders.
School shootings were invented by blacks... and stolen by the white man.
You can't fake comedy - it's not like a movie, where a director can just cast a pretty face.
Comedy is a group activity, a verbal orgy.
Farrakhan got everybody together for the Million Man March and everything. But Farrakhan don't like the Jews. Which is bugged. I get my hair cut on Dekalb Avenue. I never been in a barbershop and heard a bunch of brothers talking about Jews. Black people don't hate Jews. Black people hate white people! We don't got time to dice white people up into little groups. I hate everybody! I don't care if you just got here. "Hey, I'm Romanian." "You Romanian cracker!"
That's all we had when I was a kid: Robitussin. No matter what you got, Robitussin better handle it. "Daddy, I got asthma." "Robitussin." "I got cancer." "Robitussin." "I broke my leg." Daddy poured Robitussin on it. "Yeah, boy, let that 'tussin get in there. Yeah, boy, let that 'tussin get on down to the bone. The 'tussin ought to straighten out the bone."
Black people dominate sports in the United States. 20% of the population and 90% of the final four.
Guys play characters that won't grow up and something catastrophic happens and they have to grow up to save the day - that's pretty much what today's comedy is about.
Most parts in comedy, they're not really written for men. They're written for, like, these boy-men.
I want my name to be a brand in comedy. I hope my name stands for comedic excellence.
I pride myself on being the guy who can do Def Comedy Jam and Charlie Rose. And do well on both.
Right now, my job is that I'm like an ambulance chaser. I've got to look for movies with white guys falling out of them.
It's weird with stand-up comedy. It doesn't really translate worldwide. I want to figure out how do I make it worldwide. Do a special in Africa. Can't beat that. Pull that off, then I will have done something.
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