Hollywood is the gold cap on a tooth that should have been pulled out years ago.
Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.
It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.
I don't drink anymore, on the other hand I don't drink any less either.
When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.
Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.
I'm free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.
A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.
There's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
Prayers never bring anything... They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy - but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.
Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.
When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.
Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.
Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.
The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.
I don't drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?
I have a poor memory for names; but I seldom remember a face.
I like thieves. Some of my best friends are thieves. Why, just last week we had the president of the bank over for dinner.
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