In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.
There are a lot of things money can't buy. Not one of them is on my son's list.
For every studen with a spark of brilliance, there are about ten with ignition trouble.
Some kids want to know why the teachers get paid when it's the kids who have to do all the work.
They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.
They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.
If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door, but only as long as it's not visible from the street.
The human brain is special. It starts working as soon as you get up and it doesn't stop until you get to school.
My wife sent me a Valentine card that said, "Take my heart, take my lips, take my soul." That's just like her. She kept the good parts for herself.
A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, "Who Should we notify in case of an accident?" He mulls it over and then writes, "Anybody in sight!"
Just remember, golf is flog spelled backwards.
Los Angeles is the home of the three little white lies: "The Ferrari is paid for," "The mortgage is assumable," and "It's just a cold sore!
It's rough to go through life with your contents looking as if they settled during shipping.
When I was in school, one of my teachers was crazy about me. I once heard her tell another teacher, "I wish he was my kid for one day!"
I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't.
At eighty-two, I feel like a twenty-year-old, but, unfortunately, there's never one around.
Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
My wife calls our waterbed the Dead Sea.
Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.
Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.
All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express.
Committee - a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.
Nowadays, when a speaker tells the graduates that the future is theirs--is that a promise or a threat?
The Post Office is very careful nowadays. When they get a package marked "Fragile," they throw it underhand.
The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.
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