VANITY, n. The tribute of a fool to the worth of the nearest ass.
Economy, n. Purchasing the barrel of whiskey that you do not need for the price of the cow that you cannot afford.
Acquaintance: "A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight when its object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous.
Religions are conclusions for which the facts of nature supply no major premises.
Fashion, n. A despot whom the wise ridicule and obey.
Pun: A form of wit, to which wise men stoop and fools aspire
Liberty: One of Imagination's most precious possessions.
PITY, n. A failing sense of exemption, inspired by contrast.
Peace in international affairs: a period of cheating between periods of fighting
INTIMACY, n. A relation into which fools are providentially drawn for their mutual destruction.
It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when thrust into the affairs of others from which some physiologists have drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell.
DEJEUNER, n. The breakfast of an American who has been in Paris. Variously pronounced.
Revolution, n. In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment.
IMPALE, v.t. In popular usage, to pierce with any weapon which remains fixed in the wound . . . . properly, to put to death by thrusting an upright sharp stake into the body, the victim being left in a sitting position.
RAILROAD, n. The chief of many mechanical devices enabling us to get away from where we are to where we are no better off. For this purpose the railroad is held in highest favor by the optimist, for it permits him to make the transit with great expedition.
plagiarism, n. A literary coincidence compounded of a discreditable priority and an honorable subsequence.
COMFORT, n. A state of mind produced by contemplation of a neighbor's uneasiness.
When God makes a beautiful woman, the devil opens a new register.
International arbitration may be defined as the substitution of many burning questions for a smoldering one
Compromise, n. Such an adjustment of conflicting interests as gives each adversary the satisfaction of thinking he has got what he ought not to have, and is deprived of nothing except what was justly his due.
INGRATE, n. One who receives a benefit from another, or is otherwise an object of charity.
DISOBEDIENCE, n. The silver lining to the cloud of servitude.
An ingenious compound of desirability and appearance. Discovery of truth is the sole purpose of philosophy, which is the most ancient occupation of the human mind and has a fair prospect of existing with increasing activity to the end of time.
REVOLUTION, n. A bursting of the boilers which usually takes place when the safety valve of public discussion is closed.
Anoint, v.: To grease a king or other great functionary already sufficiently slippery.
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