Feast, n. A festival. A religious celebration usually signalized by gluttony and drunkenness, frequently in honor of some holy person distinguished for abstemiousness.
PILLORY, n. A mechanical device for inflicting personal distinction - prototype of the modern newspaper conducted by persons of austere virtues and blameless lives.
Telephone, n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.
Amnesty, n. The state's magnanimity to those offenders whom it would be too expensive to punish.
Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum -- "I think that I think, therefore I think that I am;" as close an approach to certainty as any philosopher has yet made.
Custard: A detestable substance produced by a malevolent conspiracy of the hen, the cow, and the cook.
Painting, n.: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and exposing them to the critic.
GUNPOWDER, n. An agency employed by civilized nations for the settlement of disputes which might become troublesome if left unadjusted. By most writers the invention of gunpowder is ascribed to the Chinese, but not upon very convincing evidence. Milton says it was invented by the devil to dispel angels with, and this opinion seems to derive some support from the scarcity of angels.
Heaven: A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you expound on yours.
In the algebra of psychology, X stands for a woman's heart.
A revolution is a violent change of mismanagement.
What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do it.
I keep a conscience uncorrupted by religion, a judgment undimmed by politics and patriotism, a heart untainted by friendships and sentiments unsoured by animosities.
Clairvoyant, n.: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron - namely, that he is a blockhead.
Disobey n:To celebrate with an appropriate ceremony the maturity of a command
Fork: An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead animals into the mouth.
TELESCOPE, n. A device having a relation to the eye similar to that of the telephone to the ear, enabling distant objects to plague us with a multitude of needless details. Luckily it is unprovided with a bell summoning us to the sacrifice.
Divorce: a resumption of diplomatic relations and rectification of boundaries.
Eloquence, n. The art of orally persuading fools that white is the color that it appears to be. It includes the gift of making any color appear white.
If you want to read a perfect book there is only one way: write it.
Money. A blessing that is of no advantage to us excepting when we part with it.
Immortality: A toy which people cry for, And on their knees apply for, Dispute, contend and lie for, And if allowed Would be right proud Eternally to die for.
ASS, n. A public singer with a good voice but no ear.
Admiration, n. Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
Strive not for singularity in dress; Fools have the more and men of sense the less. To look original is not worth while, But be in mind a little out of style.
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