David Henry Quotes

• I get all excited when I think that someone's 1-900 sex call from a cell phone might be passing through my body right now.

  David Henry

  Sex, Thinking, Phones

  6 Copy quote

• It was only after I untied my girlfriend from being face down on the bed that I learned her screaming, 'Asshole!' was a statement about my character and not an invitation or request.

  David Henry

  Girlfriend, Character, Bed

  4 Copy quote

• If Adam had had a real hairy back, we probably wouldn't be here today.

  David Henry

  Real, Men, Today

  4 Copy quote

• Green clovers. Blue diamonds. Orange Stars. Pink hearts. Purple horseshoes. Man, I never know if I'm looking at a bowl of cereal or having another acid flashback.

  David Henry

  Stars, Food, Heart

  10 Copy quote

• At a wedding last week, my wife said: 'Isn't the bride beautiful ?' When I responded by saying, 'Yeah, but her blowjobs aren't half as good as yours', she got all pissed off. Women - they can't take a compliment!

  David Henry

  Beautiful, Wife, Pissed Off

  4 Copy quote

• Whenever my teenage daughter comes down the stairs dressed like a tramp for her date, I think to myself: 'Damn, why won't her mother wear something like that ?'

  David Henry

  Daughter, Mother, Sex

  4 Copy quote

• Nothing can burst your fatherly bubble faster than hearing your daughter come home from a date and saying: 'Some nights I don't know why I even bother to wear panties'.

  David Henry

  Daughter, Sex, Home

  4 Copy quote

• You can't throw him back because he doesn't meet the legal size limit.

  David Henry

  Men, Limits, Size

  4 Copy quote

• My friend goes through the wedding section of the Sunday paper looking at the brides-to-be and picks out a Dog-of-the-Week. I think that's cruel toward women. Myself, I look to see who shows the most cleavage.

  David Henry

  Dog, Sunday, Thinking

  7 Copy quote

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