The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, 'Tell me about some of the people who were here last year.
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
A metaphor is like a simile.
A cop stopped me for speeding/ He said, 'Why were you going so fast?' I said, 'See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing [mimes steering wheel]? This steers it'
When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.
My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."
All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.
I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.
I was an only child, eventually.
I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
Why doesn’t the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.
My secret to staying young... Having no sense of time.
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
You know the old joke, I went to the fights and a hockey game broke out.
I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, oops
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