Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?
always remember your unique, just like everone else
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat
If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps
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