When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Half the people you know are below average.
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
The speed of time is one second per second.
All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!
You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said 'cut it out'
I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, 'No thanks, I'm not going that far.
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
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