Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
Why are they called a-part-ments, when they're all stuck together?
Do the people in Australia call the rest of the world 'Up Over'?
Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "What for?"
Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.
I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, forget it.
I took a lie detector test the other day. No, I didn't.
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic.
I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers. You'd see a flock of birds come by, laughing hysterically!
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Clones are people two.
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