I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house...so he moved.
My wife had her drivers’ test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.
It's great to have gray hair. Ask anyone who's bald.
We were poor. we were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white.
Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me.
I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.
To me, Viagra is the same as Disneyland. You wait an hour for a two-minute ride.
Never tell your wife she's bad in bed. She'll go out and get a second opinion.
Better to keep quiet and let people think you're an idiot than speak up and confirm it.
What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.
I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
My wife was afraid of the dark. Then she saw me naked, and now she's afraid of the light.
I figured out I'm bisexual. I have sex twice a year.
One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.
Life is full of temporary situations, ultimately ending in a permanent solution.
I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.
Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.
I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.
My golf game is getting real good. Last week, I got through the windmill.
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