Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.
I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu.... she bid me a don't.
I live in a bad neighborhood. Why, I saw two complete strangers share a taxi - yeah, one guy took the radio and the other guy took the tires.
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in traveler's checks.
My daughters been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handles
In high school, when I played football I got no respect. I shared a locker with a mop.
I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.
My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.
Women my age just don't turn me on. That's another problem with getting older. I took out an older woman the other night, and I mean old. I told her, Act your age. She died.
At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !
Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone!
One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!
Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.
My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark
My cousin is gay, in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.
I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.
When you walk up five flights of stairs at four in the morning, there's definitely a hooker involved.
Comedy is in my blood. Too bad it's not in my act.
At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.
For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.
Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.
I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, 'I don't know. There's lots of places for them to hide'.
My mother used to rock me - and she used big rocks.
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