April fool, n. The March fool with another month added to his folly.
LIVER, n. A large red organ thoughtfully provided by nature to be bilious with. The sentiments and emotions which every literary anatomist now knows to haunt the heart were anciently believed to infest the liver; and even Gascoygne, speaking of the emotional side of human nature, calls it "our hepaticall parte." It was at one time considered the seat of life; hence its name- liver, the thing we live with.
MAN, n. An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be.
Occident: The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It is largely inhabited by Christians, a powerful subtribe of the Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, which they are pleased to call war and commerce. These, also, are the principal industries of the Orient.
Jealous, adj. Unduly concerned about the preservation of that which can be lost only if not worth keeping.
HAND, n. A singular instrument worn at the end of the human arm and commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.
Fear has no brains; it is an idiot.
Future. That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured.
There are two instruments worse than a clarinet - two clarinets.
NEIGHBOR, n. One whom we are commanded to love as ourselves, and who does all he knows how to make us disobedient.
Logic: The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding.
Contempt; the feeling of a prudent man for an enemy who is too formidable safely to be opposed.
optimism, n. The doctrine, or belief, that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly, everything good, especially the bad, and everything right that is wrong. It is held with greatest tenacity by those most accustomed to the mischance of falling into adversity, and is most acceptably expounded with disproof - an intellectual disorder, yielding to no treatment but death. It is hereditary, but fortunately not contagious.
Riot – A popular entertainment given to the military by innocent bystanders.
You can effect a change of robbers every four years. Inestimable privilege - to pull off the glutted leech and attach the lean one! And you can not even choose among the lean leeches, but must accept those designated by the programmers and showmen who have the reptiles on tap!
The sum of religion, says Pythagoras, is to be like him thou worshipest. Had Pythagoras lived in our day he would have seen his mistake. The sum of modern religion is to make him thou worshipest like unto thyself.
I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.
A wedding is a ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, one undertakes to become nothing, and nothing undertakes to become supportable.
COMMERCE, n. A kind of transaction in which A plunders from B the goods of C, and for compensation B picks the pocket of D of money belonging to E.
EXILE, n. One who serves his country by residing abroad, yet is not an ambassador.
Day, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent.
Aborigines, n.: Persons of little worth found cumbering the soil of a newly discovered country. They soon cease to cumber; they fertilize.
The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor upon the business known as gambling.
Trial. A formal inquiry designed to prove and put upon record the blameless characters of judges, advocates and jurors.
Truth is so good a thing that falsehood can not afford to be without it.
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