I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.
Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?
I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read"
Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
The older you get, the more you learn to see what you've been taught to see. When you're a kid, you see what's there.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
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