I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using?
All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, 'No thanks, I'm not going that far.
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
Half the people you know are below average.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!
The speed of time is one second per second.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said 'cut it out'
If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes.
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