I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.
When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for it
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as '4's'?
You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.
I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
Do radioactive cats have eighteen half-lives?
When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
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