Amazing how hope lives. Without air or water, with hardly anything at all to nurture it.
For a moment, my heart aches for him. I should never have asked him to join me here; I should never have asked him to cross.
I close my eyes. An image flashes—emerging from the van with Julian after our escape from New York City; believing, in that moment, that we had escaped the worst, that life would begin again for us. Instead life has only grown harder.
I’m with Julian,” I say at last. This, after all, is what I have chosen.
Maybe, the hope said. Maybe.
The mark of the procedure. A real one. Lu is cured.
Each step is more difficult than the last; the heaviness fills me and turns my limbs to stone. You must hurt or be hurt.
I can admit, now, that I must have loved Lena. Not in an Unnatural way, but my feelings for her must have been a kind of sickness. How can someone have the power to shatter you to dust--and also to make you feel so whole?
I'll find you," he says, watching me with the eyes I remember. "I won't let you go again
For a second, I feel a sense of overwhelming grief: for how things change, for the fact that we can never go back. I'm not certain of anything anymore. I don't know what will happen--
Of course. That's what people do in a disordered world, a world of freedom and choice: they leave when they want. They disappear, they come back, they leave again. And you are left to pick up the pieces on your own.
people do terrible things, sometimes, for the best reasons.
Direction, like time, is a general thing, the deprived of boundaries and borders. It is an endless process interception and reinterception, doubling back and adjusting.
I feel a flash of grief so intense it almost makes me cry out: not for what I lost, but for the chances I missed.
People are like ants: Just a few of them give all the orders. And most of them spend their lives getting squashed.
Because I think you're right. You can make a difference." He told me experiences were kind of like fate, and fate usually came in the form of a test. He told me fate liked to be worshiped. It liked to see us fall on out knees before it offered to help us up..." ♥
His secret name, which belongs to me, and to him, and to no one else.
That’s what you do for family. Anything.
I remember Lena's expression when he knocked on the door; and how Alex had looked at her when she finally let him into the storeroom. I remember exactly what he was wearing, too, and the mess of his hair, the sneakers with their blue-tinged laces. His right shoe was untied. He didn't notice. He didn't notice anything but Lena.
All of you, wherever you are: in your spiny cities, or your one-bump towns. Find it, the hard stuff, the links of metal and chink, the fragments of stone filling your stomach. And pull, and pull, and pull. I will make a pact with you: I will do it if you will do it, always and forever. Take down the walls.
I start to follow her, and Alex grabs my hand. "I'll find you," he says, watching me with the eyes I remember. "I won't let you go again." I don't trust myself to speak. Instead I nod, hoping that he understands me. He squeezes my hand. "Go," he says.
It's as though the words are trapped, buried under past fears, past lives, like fossils compressed under layers of dirt.
This is what we are made for: promises, pledges, and sworn oaths of obedience.
I don't understand how everything changes, how the layers of your life get buried. Impossible. At some point, at some time, we must all explode.
I will make a pact with you: I will do it if you will do it, always and forever. Take down the walls.
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