Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.
Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.
If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason.
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two.
The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
The best advice I've ever received is, 'No one else knows what they're doing either.
Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you. People are harder. Sometimes they pretend to be your friend first.
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US Congress.
I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.
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