Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.
Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two.
If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.
The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
I was born to make mistakes, not to fake perfection
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life.
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I'm beginning to believe it.
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.
The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
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