Funny Quotes

• Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.

  Dennis Wholey

  Inspirational, Life, Karma

  2328 Copy quote

• Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

  Dale Carnegie

  Faith, Time, Motivation

  Dale Carnegie (2010). “How to Stop Worrying and Start Living”, p.372, Simon and Schuster

  2387 Copy quote

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• Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

  Alan Dundes

  Inspirational, Christmas, Sarcastic

  2156 Copy quote
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  Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.

  Mark Twain

  Inspirational, Life, Hilarious

  2461 Copy quote
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  If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.

  Dalai Lama

  Inspirational, Change, Inspiring

  1201 Copy quote
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  When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

  Will Rogers

  Death, Hilarious, Humorous

  2299 Copy quote

• Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason.

  Mark Twain

  Change, Politics, Diapers

  1563 Copy quote

• As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two.

  Norman Wisdom

  Birthday, Memories, Humorous

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  1507 Copy quote

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• The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.

  Albert Einstein

  Love, Life, God

  "Personal Quotes/ Biography". www.imdb.com.

  2265 Copy quote

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• Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!

  Billy Connolly

  Inspirational, Witty, Humor

  823 Copy quote
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  Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

  George Carlin

  Inspirational, Life, Sarcastic

  "Carlin on Campus". Documentary, Comedy, 1984.

  1775 Copy quote

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• A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

  Phyllis Diller

  Happiness, Smile, Laughter

  170 Copy quote

• If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

  Steven Wright

  Humor, Cat, Animal

  321 Copy quote
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  Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.

  Abraham Lincoln

  Life, Sarcastic, Wisdom

  Abraham Lincoln (1982). “Abraham Lincoln, wisdom & wit”, Peter Pauper Pr

  769 Copy quote

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• A day without laughter is a day wasted.

  Charlie Chaplin

  Good Morning, Happiness, Laughter

  1285 Copy quote
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  If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month.

  Theodore Roosevelt

  Inspirational, Life, Wisdom

  Theodore Roosevelt (2015). “Theodore Roosevelt on Bravery: Lessons from the Most Courageous Leader of the Twentieth Century”, p.4, Skyhorse Publishing, Inc.

  234 Copy quote

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• We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

  Bryan White

  Inspirational, Life, Growing Up

  284 Copy quote

• As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.

  John Glenn

  Inspirational, Humorous, Space

  533 Copy quote

• The best advice I've ever received is, 'No one else knows what they're doing either.

  Ricky Gervais

  Knowing, Advice, Comedian

  117 Copy quote

• Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you. People are harder. Sometimes they pretend to be your friend first.

  Steve Irwin

  Betrayal, I Hate You, Hypocrite

  "My Steve". Book by Terri Irwin, 2012.

  223 Copy quote

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• People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.

  A. A. Milne

  Inspiring, Witty, People

  "Fictional character: Winnie The Pooh". "Christopher Robin", www.imdb.com. 2018.

  831 Copy quote

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  I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

  Thomas A. Edison

  Inspirational, Motivational, Positive

  400 Copy quote
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  If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.

  Groucho Marx

  Sarcastic, Sarcasm, Laughing

  440 Copy quote

• I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US Congress.

  Ronald Reagan

  Sarcastic, Running, Wisdom

  422 Copy quote

• I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.

  Oscar Wilde

  Clever, Hipster, Writing

  Oscar Wilde (2007). “Epigrams of Oscar Wilde”, p.153, Wordsworth Editions

  507 Copy quote

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