Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.
Why waste your money looking up your family tree? Just go into politics and your opponent will do it for you.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?
Nothing spoils a good story like the arrival of an eyewitness.
The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected.
My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her.
They misunderestimated me.
The duty of a patriot is to protect his country from its government.
According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.
Follow AzQuotes on Facebook, Twitter and Google+. Every day we present the best quotes! Improve yourself, find your inspiration, share with friends