I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Why waste your money looking up your family tree? Just go into politics and your opponent will do it for you.
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
Nothing spoils a good story like the arrival of an eyewitness.
Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?
If it's sent by ship then it's a cargo, if it's sent by road then it's a shipment.
You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more.
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected.
Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her.
The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
You should always go to other people's funerals, otherwise, they won't come to yours.
The duty of a patriot is to protect his country from its government.
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