Phyllis Diller Quotes

Quotes about:

• I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.

  Phyllis Diller

  Hours, Seven, Beauty Shop

  74 Copy quote

• I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

  Phyllis Diller

  Philosophy, Buddhism, Meditation

  103 Copy quote

• If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.

  Phyllis Diller

  Funny Inspirational, Humor, Wrinkles

  135 Copy quote

• You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.

  Phyllis Diller

  Compliments You, Shoes, Alligators

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  92 Copy quote

• A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

  Phyllis Diller

  Funny, Happiness, Smile

  205 Copy quote
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  Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

  Phyllis Diller

  Funny, Hilarious, Witty

  Phyllis Diller (2006). “Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy”, p.77, Penguin

  98 Copy quote

• I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.

  Phyllis Diller

  Cute, Birthday, Funny Relationship

  Phyllis Diller (1981). “The joys of aging--and how to avoid them: can sex keep you young? And other silly questions”, Doubleday Books

  22 Copy quote

• I never made `Who's Who,' but I'm featured in `What's That?'

  Phyllis Diller

  Made

  Phyllis Diller (2006). “Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy”, p.242, Penguin

  37 Copy quote

• I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.

  Phyllis Diller

  Funny, Onions, Sides

  9 Copy quote
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  The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

  Phyllis Diller

  Football, Motivational Sports, Inspiration

  103 Copy quote

• You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

  Phyllis Diller

  Inspirational, Blood, Type

  79 Copy quote

• The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.

  Phyllis Diller

  Doctors, Body, Reincarnation

  35 Copy quote

• This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.

  Phyllis Diller

  Husband, Gun, Clerks

  62 Copy quote

• When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.

  Phyllis Diller

  Funny, Home, Kissing

  Phyllis Diller (2006). “Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy”, p.28, Penguin

  15 Copy quote

• The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.

  Phyllis Diller

  Marriage, Husband, Common

  25 Copy quote

• My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.

  Phyllis Diller

  Underwear, Body, Shapes

  7 Copy quote

• If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.

  Phyllis Diller

  Husband, Giving, Want

  11 Copy quote

• The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.

  Phyllis Diller

  People, Nudity, Old People

  Phyllis Diller (2006). “Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy”, p.256, Penguin

  13 Copy quote

• My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.

  Phyllis Diller

  Fitness, Health, Exercise

  "New Again: Janeane Garofalo". Interview with Phyllis Diller, www.interviewmagazine.com. July 29, 2015.

  15 Copy quote

• I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

  Phyllis Diller

  Funny, Family, Mom

  77 Copy quote

• Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

  Phyllis Diller

  Inspirational, Birthday, Anniversary

  117 Copy quote

• Doctors say it's okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.

  Phyllis Diller

  Sex, Heart, Doctors

  48 Copy quote

• I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'?

  Phyllis Diller

  Men, Doctors, Clothes

  Phyllis Diller (2006). “Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy”, p.116, Penguin

  51 Copy quote

• If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.

  Phyllis Diller

  Jeans, Mercy, Ifs

  Phyllis Diller (1981). “The joys of aging--and how to avoid them: can sex keep you young? And other silly questions”, Doubleday Books

  8 Copy quote

• I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.

  Phyllis Diller

  Three, Phases, Tables

  68 Copy quote

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