Phyllis Diller Quotes

Quotes about:

• I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

  Phyllis Diller

  Philosophy, Buddhism, Meditation

  96 Copy quote

• If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.

  Phyllis Diller

  Funny Inspirational, Humor, Wrinkles

  125 Copy quote

• You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.

  Phyllis Diller

  Compliments You, Shoes, Alligators

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  86 Copy quote

• I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.

  Phyllis Diller

  Hours, Seven, Beauty Shop

  70 Copy quote

• A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

  Phyllis Diller

  Funny, Happiness, Smile

  186 Copy quote
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  Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

  Phyllis Diller

  Funny, Hilarious, Witty

  Phyllis Diller (2006). “Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy”, p.77, Penguin

  94 Copy quote
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  The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

  Phyllis Diller

  Football, Motivational Sports, Inspiration

  96 Copy quote

• I never made `Who's Who,' but I'm featured in `What's That?'

  Phyllis Diller

  Made

  Phyllis Diller (2006). “Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy”, p.242, Penguin

  34 Copy quote

• This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.

  Phyllis Diller

  Husband, Gun, Clerks

  59 Copy quote

• You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

  Phyllis Diller

  Inspirational, Blood, Type

  76 Copy quote

• The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.

  Phyllis Diller

  Doctors, Body, Reincarnation

  31 Copy quote

• The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.

  Phyllis Diller

  People, Nudity, Old People

  Phyllis Diller (2006). “Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy”, p.256, Penguin

  12 Copy quote

• Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

  Phyllis Diller

  Inspirational, Birthday, Anniversary

  110 Copy quote

• I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.

  Phyllis Diller

  Cute, Birthday, Funny Relationship

  Phyllis Diller (1981). “The joys of aging--and how to avoid them: can sex keep you young? And other silly questions”, Doubleday Books

  15 Copy quote

• The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.

  Phyllis Diller

  Marriage, Husband, Common

  23 Copy quote

• When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.

  Phyllis Diller

  Funny, Home, Kissing

  Phyllis Diller (2006). “Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy”, p.28, Penguin

  12 Copy quote

• Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

  Phyllis Diller

  Funny, Anniversary, Marriage

  Phyllis Diller's Housekeeping Hints (1966)

  95 Copy quote

• Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

  Phyllis Diller

  Growing Up, Children, Silly

  Phyllis Diller's Housekeeping Hints (1966)

  64 Copy quote

• I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'?

  Phyllis Diller

  Men, Doctors, Clothes

  Phyllis Diller (2006). “Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy”, p.116, Penguin

  50 Copy quote

• I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

  Phyllis Diller

  Funny, Family, Mom

  73 Copy quote

• ... if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.

  Phyllis Diller

  Children, Writing, Dust

  13 Copy quote

• My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.

  Phyllis Diller

  Suicide, Husband, Kids

  9 Copy quote

• My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.

  Phyllis Diller

  Fitness, Health, Exercise

  "New Again: Janeane Garofalo". Interview with Phyllis Diller, www.interviewmagazine.com. July 29, 2015.

  14 Copy quote

• Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

  Phyllis Diller

  Inspirational, Life, Birthday

  89 Copy quote

• Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

  Phyllis Diller

  Funny, Mom, Mother

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  62 Copy quote

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