I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.
I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.
You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
I never made `Who's Who,' but I'm featured in `What's That?'
I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.
When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
Doctors say it's okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'?
If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.
I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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