Phyllis Diller Quotes

Quotes about:

• You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.

  Phyllis Diller

  Compliments You, Shoes, Alligators

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  75 Copy quote

• I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

  Phyllis Diller

  Philosophy, Buddhism, Meditation

  83 Copy quote

• A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

  Phyllis Diller

  Funny, Happiness, Smile

  53 Copy quote

• If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.

  Phyllis Diller

  Funny Inspirational, Humor, Wrinkles

  107 Copy quote
• 

  Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

  Phyllis Diller

  Funny, Hilarious, Witty

  Phyllis Diller (2006). “Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy”, p.77, Penguin

  81 Copy quote

• The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.

  Phyllis Diller

  Doctors, Body, Reincarnation

  23 Copy quote

• The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.

  Phyllis Diller

  Marriage, Husband, Common

  16 Copy quote
• 

  The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

  Phyllis Diller

  Football, Motivational Sports, Inspiration

  82 Copy quote

• This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.

  Phyllis Diller

  Husband, Gun, Clerks

  49 Copy quote

• I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.

  Phyllis Diller

  Hours, Seven, Beauty Shop

  60 Copy quote

• I never made `Who's Who,' but I'm featured in `What's That?'

  Phyllis Diller

  Made

  Phyllis Diller (2006). “Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy”, p.242, Penguin

  24 Copy quote

• You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

  Phyllis Diller

  Inspirational, Blood, Type

  69 Copy quote

• Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

  Phyllis Diller

  Growing Up, Children, Silly

  Phyllis Diller's Housekeeping Hints (1966)

  55 Copy quote

• I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.

  Phyllis Diller

  Baby, Doctors, World

  Phyllis Diller (2006). “Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy”, p.20, Penguin

  47 Copy quote

• Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

  Phyllis Diller

  Inspirational, Life, Birthday

  79 Copy quote

• Doctors say it's okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.

  Phyllis Diller

  Sex, Heart, Doctors

  38 Copy quote

• We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

  Phyllis Diller

  Funny, Hilarious, Mom

  1165 Copy quote

• I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'?

  Phyllis Diller

  Men, Doctors, Clothes

  Phyllis Diller (2006). “Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy”, p.116, Penguin

  43 Copy quote

• I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.

  Phyllis Diller

  Three, Phases, Tables

  60 Copy quote

• What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

  Phyllis Diller

  Christmas, Jobs, Xmas

  49 Copy quote

• I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

  Phyllis Diller

  Funny, Family, Mom

  56 Copy quote

• If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this? We have no enemies!'

  Phyllis Diller

  Doors, House, Enemy

  8 Copy quote

• It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.

  Phyllis Diller

  Mothers Day, Mom, Fathers Day

  61 Copy quote

• Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

  Phyllis Diller

  Funny, Anniversary, Marriage

  Phyllis Diller's Housekeeping Hints (1966)

  82 Copy quote

• I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.

  Phyllis Diller

  People, Blouses

  "Phyllis Diller, Sassy Comedian, Dies at 95" by Richard Severo, Peter Keepnews, www.nytimes.com. August 20, 2012.

  67 Copy quote

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