I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.
You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
I never made `Who's Who,' but I'm featured in `What's That?'
This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.
You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'?
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
... if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.
My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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