Phyllis Diller Quotes

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• You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.

  Phyllis Diller

  Compliments You, Shoes, Alligators

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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  The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

  Phyllis Diller

  Football, Motivational Sports, Inspiration

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• If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.

  Phyllis Diller

  Funny Inspirational, Humor, Wrinkles

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• This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.

  Phyllis Diller

  Husband, Gun, Clerks

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• Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

  Phyllis Diller

  Inspirational, Life, Birthday

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• Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

  Phyllis Diller

  Growing Up, Children, Silly

  Phyllis Diller's Housekeeping Hints (1966)

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• The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.

  Phyllis Diller

  Doctors, Body, Reincarnation

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• You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

  Phyllis Diller

  Inspirational, Blood, Type

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  Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

  Phyllis Diller

  Funny, Hilarious, Witty

  Phyllis Diller (2006). “Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy”, p.77, Penguin

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• We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

  Phyllis Diller

  Funny, Hilarious, Mom

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• Doctors say it's okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.

  Phyllis Diller

  Sex, Heart, Doctors

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• I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.

  Phyllis Diller

  Hours, Seven, Beauty Shop

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• I never made `Who's Who,' but I'm featured in `What's That?'

  Phyllis Diller

  Made

  Phyllis Diller (2006). “Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy”, p.242, Penguin

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• Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

  Phyllis Diller

  Funny, Anniversary, Marriage

  Phyllis Diller's Housekeeping Hints (1966)

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• 

  My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

  Phyllis Diller

  Thanksgiving, Fun, Kids

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• I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.

  Phyllis Diller

  People, Blouses

  "Phyllis Diller, Sassy Comedian, Dies at 95" by Richard Severo, Peter Keepnews, www.nytimes.com. August 20, 2012.

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• It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.

  Phyllis Diller

  Mothers Day, Mom, Fathers Day

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• I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'?

  Phyllis Diller

  Men, Doctors, Clothes

  Phyllis Diller (2006). “Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy”, p.116, Penguin

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• The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.

  Phyllis Diller

  Marriage, Husband, Common

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• The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours. We were not created by a deity. We created the deity in OUR image. Life began on this planet when the first amoeba split. Mankind will still be seeking God, not accepting that God is a spirit; can't see it, touch it, only feel it. It's called LOVE.

  Phyllis Diller

  Song, Wine, Space

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• In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.

  Phyllis Diller

  Family, Years, Insane

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• I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

  Phyllis Diller

  Funny, Family, Mom

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• What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

  Phyllis Diller

  Christmas, Jobs, Xmas

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• You know you're old when your walker has an airbag.

  Phyllis Diller

  Airbags, Walkers, Knows

  Phyllis Diller (2006). “Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy”, p.270, Penguin

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• I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.

  Phyllis Diller

  Three, Phases, Tables

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