Phyllis Diller Quotes - Page 6

Quotes about:

• No matter what time your guests arrive, pretend they're early, so naturally you're not ready.

  Phyllis Diller

  Guests, Matter, Ready

  6 Copy quote

• I have nothing against dogs. I just hate rugs that go squish-squish.

  Phyllis Diller

  Inspirational, Dog, Hate

  7 Copy quote

• I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.

  Phyllis Diller

  Years, Behinds, Eighteen

  7 Copy quote

• I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.

  Phyllis Diller

  Mother, Long, Lines

  Phyllis Diller (2006). “Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy”, p.17, Penguin

  14 Copy quote

• All mothers are working mothers.

  Phyllis Diller

  Mother

  5 Copy quote

• [When to have a facelift:] If you're tripping over your neck.

  Phyllis Diller

  Over You, Tripping, Necks

  7 Copy quote

• There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

  Phyllis Diller

  Inspirational, Ghetto, Littles

  10 Copy quote

• My own laugh is the real thing and I've had it all my life.

  Phyllis Diller

  Real, Laughing, My Own

  Phyllis Diller (2006). “Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy”, p.115, Penguin

  8 Copy quote

• Never go to bed angry, stay up and fight.

  Phyllis Diller

  Relationship, Stay Strong, Anger

  "Getting Through to the Man You Love : The No-Nonsense, No-Nagging Guide for Women". Book by Michele Weiner-Davis, (p.151), 1999.

  11 Copy quote

• We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . .

  Phyllis Diller

  Funny, Children, Humorous

  9 Copy quote

• I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

  Phyllis Diller

  Yards, Buried, Housework

  "Phyllis Diller, zany humorist and comedy trailblazer, dies aged 95". www.theguardian.com. August 20, 2012.

  8 Copy quote

• Isn't my fur stole pitiful? How unsuccessful can a girl look? People think I'm wearing anchovies. The worst of it is, I trapped these under my own sink.

  Phyllis Diller

  Girl, Thinking, People

  10 Copy quote

• Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.

  Phyllis Diller

  Funny, Sex, Humor

  8 Copy quote

• When I was a kid and we used to play Post Office, I was the Dead Letter Office.

  Phyllis Diller

  Kids, Play, Office

  8 Copy quote

• Fang took the entire family out for coffee and donuts the other night. The kids enjoyed it. It was the first time they'd ever given blood.

  Phyllis Diller

  Inspirational, Coffee, Kids

  5 Copy quote

• Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.

  Phyllis Diller

  Funny, Husband, Wind

  8 Copy quote

• Have you ever known anyone who bought a fruitcake for himself? Of course not. They are purchased as Christmas gifts, mostly for people you don't particularly like.

  Phyllis Diller

  People, Modern Life, Fruitcake

  24 Copy quote

• My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes.

  Phyllis Diller

  Husband, Eye, Useless

  5 Copy quote

• If it weren't for my adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all.

  Phyllis Diller

  Apples, Shapes, Adam

  Phyllis Diller (2006). “Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy”, p.46, Penguin

  4 Copy quote

• I'd love to slit my mother-in-law's corsets and watch her spread to death.

  Phyllis Diller

  Mother, Law, Watches

  4 Copy quote

• I honestly believe there is absolutely nothing like going to bed with a good #book; or a friend who's #read one.

  Phyllis Diller

  Believe, Book, Bed

  6 Copy quote

• There isn't any (afterlife), you dingbat! This is it, baby! Enjoy, carefully! Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion and I can't buy any of it. So God made man in His own image? It's just the other way around. Man made God in his own image. It's all about money.

  Phyllis Diller

  Baby, Men, Ideas

  8 Copy quote

• My sister was so promiscuous she broke her ankle in the glove compartment of a car.

  Phyllis Diller

  Sex, Car, Ankles

  5 Copy quote

• When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.

  Phyllis Diller

  Home, School, Kids

  4 Copy quote

• ... if I invested in a mouthwash stock, bad breath would suddenly become popular.

  Phyllis Diller

  Breaths, Ifs, Bad Breath

  9 Copy quote

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