I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, What do you have in lingerie? She says, More than you'll ever have!
If it weren't for my adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all.
It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.
Isn't my fur stole pitiful? How unsuccessful can a girl look? People think I'm wearing anchovies. The worst of it is, I trapped these under my own sink.
My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.
[When to have a facelift:] If you're tripping over your neck.
It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.
... if I invested in a mouthwash stock, bad breath would suddenly become popular.
I have nothing against dogs. I just hate rugs that go squish-squish.
My sister was so promiscuous she broke her ankle in the glove compartment of a car.
The reason I'm not an alcoholic is I don't like to drink in front of the kids . . . and when you're away from them, who needs it?.
No matter what time your guests arrive, pretend they're early, so naturally you're not ready.
I met my husband when a friend sent him over to my house to cure my hiccoughs.
Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards.
My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.
Keep at least one window pane clean to check the weather. Once when I didn't do this I sent the kids off with umbrellas for six weeks straight.
Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.
Your husband is lazy if coffee doesn't keep him awake - even when it's hot and being spilled on him.
We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . .
They always say to Californians that we don't have seasons. Of course, that is not true. We have fire, flood, mud and drought.
Fang can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can't stand the competition.
There isn't any (afterlife), you dingbat! This is it, baby! Enjoy, carefully! Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion and I can't buy any of it. So God made man in His own image? It's just the other way around. Man made God in his own image. It's all about money.
I'm the woman who used to think that middle-age spread was a cocktail dip.
Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
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