Phyllis Diller Quotes - Page 3

Quotes about:

• Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.

  Phyllis Diller

  Children, Advice, Bottles

  "Fearless and Funny: When Comedy Was Queen" by Michael R. Drew and Robert J. Hughes, www.huffingtonpost.com. August 23, 2012.

  19 Copy quote

• Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in.

  Phyllis Diller

  Husband, Divorced, Appendix

  30 Copy quote

• If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.

  Phyllis Diller

  Jeans, Mercy, Ifs

  Phyllis Diller (1981). “The joys of aging--and how to avoid them: can sex keep you young? And other silly questions”, Doubleday Books

  8 Copy quote

• Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

  Phyllis Diller

  Inspirational, Rooms

  "Comedian Phyllis Diller dies 'with a smile on her face'" by Alan Duke, www.cnn.com. August 22, 2012.

  7 Copy quote

• In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.

  Phyllis Diller

  Family, Years, Insane

  68 Copy quote

• It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.

  Phyllis Diller

  Mothers Day, Mom, Fathers Day

  68 Copy quote

• I don't know how you feel about old age... but in my case I didn't even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.

  Phyllis Diller

  Age, How You Feel, Aging

  23 Copy quote

• The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours. We were not created by a deity. We created the deity in OUR image. Life began on this planet when the first amoeba split. Mankind will still be seeking God, not accepting that God is a spirit; can't see it, touch it, only feel it. It's called LOVE.

  Phyllis Diller

  Song, Wine, Space

  53 Copy quote

• I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn't show the dirt.

  Phyllis Diller

  Food, Cake, Chocolate

  16 Copy quote

• I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know.

  Phyllis Diller

  Years, Use, Cleaning

  42 Copy quote

• Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

  Phyllis Diller

  Three, Comedy, Argument

  10 Copy quote

• Before you get married you should meet your fiance's parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.

  Phyllis Diller

  Parent, Married, Enough

  13 Copy quote

• A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

  Phyllis Diller

  Inspirational, Anniversary, Mistake

  "Fearless and Funny: When Comedy Was Queen" by Michael Drew, www.huffingtonpost.com. August 23, 2012.

  17 Copy quote

• I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along - but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.

  Phyllis Diller

  Dating, Easy

  23 Copy quote

• Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.

  Phyllis Diller

  Funny, Dog, Stoves

  18 Copy quote

• My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.

  Phyllis Diller

  Inspirational, Justice, Looks

  8 Copy quote

• His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

  Phyllis Diller

  Inspirational, Half, Hours

  "Fearless and Funny: When Comedy Was Queen" by Michael R. Drew and Robert J. Hughes, www.huffingtonpost.com. August 23, 2012.

  12 Copy quote

• Health - what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.

  Phyllis Diller

  Falling In Love, Drinking, Alcohol

  Phyllis Diller (1981). “The joys of aging--and how to avoid them: can sex keep you young? And other silly questions”, Doubleday Books

  13 Copy quote

• Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, "Attack!" And he has one. All he does is piddle. He's nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.

  Phyllis Diller

  Funny, Dog, Shepherds

  41 Copy quote

• We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.

  Phyllis Diller

  Fire, Mud, Californians

  12 Copy quote

• When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in.

  Phyllis Diller

  Inspirational, Beach, Tides

  Phyllis Diller (2006). “Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy”, p.51, Penguin

  10 Copy quote

• I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'

  Phyllis Diller

  Food, Three, Milk

  14 Copy quote

• Do not taste food while you're cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.

  Phyllis Diller

  Cooking, Nerves, May

  10 Copy quote

• I don't like to cook. I can make a TV dinner taste like radio.

  Phyllis Diller

  Radio, Dinner, Taste

  8 Copy quote

• You've got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It's when somebody steps on the bride's train, or belches during the ceremony that you've got comedy!

  Phyllis Diller

  Beautiful, Steps, Comedy

  30 Copy quote

Page 3 of 9

First

← Prev

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

9

Next →

• facebook
• twitter
• googleplus
• email
• linkedin