There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
Comedy has to be based on truth. You take the truth and you put a little curlicue at the end.
Life is a dream for the wise, a game for the fool, a comedy for the rich, a tragedy for the poor.
There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.
Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.
God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.
Sex education may be a good idea in the schools, but I don't believe the kids should be given homework.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
Not living in fear is a great gift, because certainly these days we do it so much. And do you know what I like about comedy? You can't laugh and be afraid at the same time - of anything. If you're laughing, I defy you to be afraid.
My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident.
Comedy is much more challenging, because you have to have the same level of belief but you have to make people laugh, and that's definitely a challenge.
Comedy is tragedy plus time.
The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun.
Anyone can write. But comedy, you've got to do some writing. You get one comedy script to every 20 dramas.
I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.
You never get tired unless you stop and take time for it.
Comedy comes from conflict, from hatred.
We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion.
The duty of comedy is to correct men by amusing them.
The human comedy is always tragic, but since its ingredients are always the same - dupe, fox, straight, like burlesque skits - the repetition through the ages is comedy.
The Comedy Store in LA, it's a really loose room and it's really dark and creepy and a great place to explore your own thoughts onstage.
I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.
I would recommend that anyone who wants to do comedy on TV to do radio first.
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