There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.
Life is a dream for the wise, a game for the fool, a comedy for the rich, a tragedy for the poor.
Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.
Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
Without comedy as a defense mechanism I wouldn't be able to survive.
The best kind of comedy to me is when you make people laugh at things they've never laughed at, and also take a light into the darkened corners of people's minds, exposing them to the light.
Comedy naturally wears itself out - destroys the very food on which it lives; and by constantly and successfully exposing the follies and weaknesses of mankind to ridicule, in the end leaves itself nothing worth laughing at.
Comedy has to be based on truth. You take the truth and you put a little curlicue at the end.
The only honest art form is laughter, comedy. You can't fake it... try to fake three laughs in an hour - ha ha ha ha ha - they'll take you away, man. You can't.
And the only studies were - Rodney Dangerfield was my mentor and he was my Yale drama school for comedy.
Unquestionably, standup comedy is and has always been an art form.
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
To listen to your own silence is the key to comedy.
Avoiding humiliation is the core of tragedy and comedy.
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.
A man's got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book.
I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.
Anyone can write. But comedy, you've got to do some writing. You get one comedy script to every 20 dramas.
I always loved comedy but I didn't start formally until I was in college.
Sex education may be a good idea in the schools, but I don't believe the kids should be given homework.
There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.
Comedy is so fun. I don't know how these people can make movies and work on them for four months and they're these sob stories. I don't know how emotionally you get through that.
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