Comedy Quotes

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  There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

  Chris Rock

  Funny, Hilarious, Laughter

  93 Copy quote
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  Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

  George Carlin

  Inspirational, Funny, Life

  "Carlin on Campus". Documentary, Comedy, 1984.

  1512 Copy quote

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• 

  First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

  George Burns

  Funny, Happy Birthday, Humor

  122 Copy quote

• Life is a dream for the wise, a game for the fool, a comedy for the rich, a tragedy for the poor.

  Sholom Aleichem

  Life, Wise, Dream

  58 Copy quote
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  Comedy has to be based on truth. You take the truth and you put a little curlicue at the end.

  Sid Caesar

  Laughter, Integrity, Humor

  "The words and comedy of Sid Caesar" by Lisa Respers France, February 12, 2014.

  21 Copy quote

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• Any comic is a tragic soul. Comedy is one of the things that allows one to survive. Particularly if one has been in the process of separating off the emotions, it's one place you can process them.

  Twyla Tharp

  Soul, Emotion, Comic

  3 Copy quote

• Comedy is so hard to do, so it was very cool to do dead pan humor.

  Brittany Daniel

  Very Cool, Hard

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  6 Copy quote

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• I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.

  Demetri Martin

  Funny, Song, Humor

  "Personal Quotes/ Biography". www.imdb.com.

  36 Copy quote

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• There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

  Erma Bombeck

  Happiness, Hurt, Laughter

  Erma Bombeck (2013). “The Erma Bombeck Collection: If Life Is a Bowl of Cherries, What Am I Doing in the Pits?, Motherhood, and The Grass Is Always Greener Over the Septic Tank”, p.139, Open Road Media

  21 Copy quote

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• Comedy is defiance. It's a snort of contempt in the face of fear and anxiety. And it's the laughter that allows hope to creep back on the inhale.

  Will Durst

  Happiness, Laughter, Fear

  42 Copy quote

• Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Funny, Makeup, Color

  15 Copy quote

• Sex education may be a good idea in the schools, but I don't believe the kids should be given homework.

  Bill Cosby

  Education, Sex, Believe

  82 Copy quote

• That's what I love about these high school girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age.

  Matthew McConaughey

  Girl, Confused, School

  8 Copy quote

• A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.

  Fred Allen

  Funny, Men, Gentleman

  7 Copy quote

• Don't get me wrong, there are sometimes if I go and see a really funny comedy, that I wished I had smoked a joint. I'll be honest with you. That's the truth.

  Stephen Baldwin

  Joints, Honest, Sometimes

  3 Copy quote

• The only honest art form is laughter, comedy. You can't fake it... try to fake three laughs in an hour - ha ha ha ha ha - they'll take you away, man. You can't.

  Lenny Bruce

  Funny, Happiness, Fake People

  5 Copy quote

• The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

  George Burns

  Funny, Life, Humor

  82 Copy quote

• This is my chance to get out there and appease the fans of my music as well as show people that I do do standup comedy because a lot of people don't know that's where I started.

  Nick Cannon

  People, Fans, Chance

  3 Copy quote

• One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

  George Carlin

  Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

  83 Copy quote

• I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.

  George Carlin

  Memories, Thinking, Alzheimer's

  George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

  4 Copy quote

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• For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.

  Johnny Carson

  Funny, Death, Phones

  36 Copy quote

• I think every group of black guys should have at least one white guy in it.

  Dave Chappelle

  Funny, Thinking, Should Have

  5 Copy quote

• So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'

  Tim Vine

  Funny, Humor, Oysters

  "Comedy preview" by Wiliam Cook, www.theguardian.com. April 28, 2005.

  3 Copy quote

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• I wasn't always black... there was this freckle, and it got bigger and bigger.

  Bill Cosby

  Funny, Humor, Race

  82 Copy quote

• I was coming home from kindergarten - well they told me it was kindergarten. I found out later I had been working in a factory for ten years. It's good for a kid to know how to make gloves.

  Ellen DeGeneres

  Funny, Home, Humor

  13 Copy quote