The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius.
In between goals is a thing called life, that has to be lived and enjoyed.
The best thing about humour is that it shows people they are not alone.
If you can't stand yourself, neither can anybody else!
The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds the other fellow of a dull one.
A great NOW will be a great WAS! A bad NOW will always be a bad WAS, and all you can hope for is a Great GONNA BE!
Comedy has to be based on truth. You take the truth and you put a little curlicue at the end.
Jazz is a beautiful woman whose older brother is a policeman.
If you have no tragedy, you have no comedy. Crying and laughing are the same emotion. If you laugh too hard, you cry. And vice versa.
Everybody wants to have a goal - I gotta get to that goal, I gotta get to that goal, I gotta get to that goal. I can finally get to that goal. Then you get to that goal, and then you gotta get to another goal. But in between goals is a thing called life, that has to be lived and enjoyed - and if you don't, you're a fool.
Every language has its own music.
The things I see now on TV and in movies are so outlandish. Kids doing rude things with pies! And the language that they use! It's being outrageous for the sake of being outrageous. I can't watch it. It turns me off.
If I don't believe it, I don't care.
When I did comedy I made fun of myself. If there was a buffoon, I played the buffoon. And people looked at me and said, "Gee, that's like Uncle David", or "That's like a friend of mine.". And they related through that. I didn't make fun of them. I made fun of me.
People come up to me and they thank me: 'I thank you for the many, many hours of laughter.'
If you listen to a language for 15 minutes, you know the rhythm and song.
After all those years of doing a live, hour-and-a-half show every week, I've got nothing more I need to prove.
When I did comedy I made fun of myself. If there was a buffoon, I played the buffoon.
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