Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keeps friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment.
Minds are like parachutes, they only function when they are open.
Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be.
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
A well-developed sense of humor is the pole that adds balance to your steps as you walk the tightrope of life.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
A keen sense of humor helps us to overlook the unbecoming, understand the unconventional, tolerated the unpleasant, overcome the unexpected, and outlast the unbearable.
In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one class of citizens to give to another.
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.
The only normal people are the ones you don't know very well.
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
Wit is educated insolence.
Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.
A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'
A person who knows how to laugh at himself will never ceased to be amused.
I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.
Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
Of course I don't look busy, I did it right the first time.
Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
One parody is worth a thousand polemics.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
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