Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.
Government is like a baby. An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'
Of course I don't look busy, I did it right the first time.
Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is.
A joke is a very serious thing.
A person who knows how to laugh at himself will never ceased to be amused.
Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one class of citizens to give to another.
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
Pro and con are opposites, that fact is clearly seen. If progress means to move forward, then what does congress mean?
Humor is something that thrives between man's aspirations and his limitations. There is more logic in humor than in anything else. Because, you see, humor is truth.
Like a welcome summer rain, humor may suddenly cleanse and cool the earth, the air and you.
I have always noticed that people will never laugh at anything that is not based on truth.
The secret to humor is surprise.
Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power.
Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly.
Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.
I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.
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