Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.
Be open minded, but not so open minded that your brains fall out.
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
I'm not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are.
[He] may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you: he really is an idiot.
I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.
There's only two things you can start without a plan: a riot and a family, for everything else you need a plan.
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
If you are not having fun you are doing something wrong.
It is impossible to design anything that is foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
What have future generations ever done for us?
When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun.'
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
Middle age is when you go to bed at night and hope you feel better in the morning. Old age is when you go to bed at night and hope you wake up in the morning.
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
I intend to live forever, or die trying.
Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
I've been looking for a girl like you - not you, but a girl like you.
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
Before you speak, make certain you have something worthwhile to say.
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