Humorous Quotes

• If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and man.

  Mark Twain

  Funny, Inspiring, Thankful

  Pudd'nhead Wilson ch. 16, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar" (1894)

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• Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.

  Doug Larson

  Funny, Courage, Editors

  115 Copy quote

• Both optimists and pessimists contribute to society. The optimist invents the aeroplane, the pessimist the parachute.

  George Bernard Shaw

  Funny, Motivational, Optimistic

  449 Copy quote

• The problem with the future is that it keeps turning into the present.

  Bill Watterson

  Funny, Future, Problem

  21 Copy quote

• I prefer someone who burns the flag and then wraps themselves up in the Constitution over someone who burns the Constitution and then wraps themselves up in the flag.

  Molly Ivins

  Funny, Political, Flags

  263 Copy quote
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  A gentleman is someone who can play the accordion, but doesn't.

  Tom Waits

  Funny, Music, Play

  131 Copy quote

• You can only drink 30 or 40 glasses of beer a day, no matter how rich you are.

  Adolphus Busch

  Money, Drinking, Beer

  61 Copy quote
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  Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.

  Mark Twain

  Funny, Cute, God

  Mark Twain (2013). “Delphi Complete Works of Mark Twain (Illustrated)”, p.9262, Delphi Classics

  114 Copy quote

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• Competitions are for horses, not artists.

  Bela Bartok

  Inspirational, Funny, Inspiring

  78 Copy quote

• Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.

  Robin Williams

  Funny, Single, Sexy

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  60 Copy quote

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• I've always had a theory that some of us are born with nerve endings longer than our bodies

  Joy Harjo

  Funny, Musician, Nerves

  Joy Harjo (1990). “In Mad Love and War”, p.21, Wesleyan University Press

  57 Copy quote

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• You only have to solve two problems when going to the moon: first, how to get there; and second, how to get back. The key is don't leave until you have solved both problems.

  Jim Rohn

  Inspirational, Funny, Success

  FaceBook post by Jim Rohn from May 26, 2015

  34 Copy quote

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• If exposure of body is modernism, then animals are more modern than humans.

  Zakir Naik

  Funny, Islamic, Animal

  420 Copy quote

• While There may be power in forgiveness, there is even more power in lobbing a Molotov cocktail through someone's dining room window.

  Jim Norton

  Funny, Forgiveness, Power

  Jim Norton (2008). “I Hate Your Guts”, p.158, Simon and Schuster

  65 Copy quote

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• Shortly after I met my mentor he asked me, ‘Mr. Rohn, how much money have you saved and invested over the last six years?’ And I said, ‘None.’ He then asked, ‘Who sold you on that plan?’

  Jim Rohn

  Funny, Money, Years

  FaceBook post by Jim Rohn from Sep 25, 2016

  30 Copy quote

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• If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

  Henny Youngman

  Inspirational, Funny, Success

  80 Copy quote

• Haters are just confused admirers because they can't figure out the reason why everyone loves you.

  Jeffree Star

  Love, Funny, Hater

  FaceBook post by Jeffree Star from Feb 17, 2013

  235 Copy quote

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• The help (in Japan) is very polite. They bow so much, you don't know which end to talk to.

  Bob Hope

  Funny, Japan, Bows

  4 Copy quote

• The interesting thing about coaching is that you have to trouble the comfortable, and comfort the troubled

  Ric Charlesworth

  Funny, Change, Sports

  68 Copy quote

• Good authors, too, who once knew better words now only use four-letter words writing prose... anything goes.

  Cole Porter

  Funny, Change, Book

  "Anything Goes" (song) (1934)

  84 Copy quote

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• Oh, insomnia! Ah, well, I know a good cure for it... Get plenty of sleep.

  W. C. Fields

  Funny, Sleep, Insomnia

  "Fictional character: The Great Man". "Never Give a Sucker an Even Break", www.imdb.com. October 10, 1941.

  47 Copy quote

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• You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

  Bob Hope

  Funny, Happy Birthday, Cake

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

  70 Copy quote

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• Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called everybody, and they meet at the bar.

  Drew Carey

  Funny, Sarcastic, Jobs

  49 Copy quote

• Don't play the saxophone. Let it play you.

  Charlie Parker

  Motivational, Music, Play

  "Words of Wisdom". Book edited by William Safire and Leonard Safir, p. 435, 1990.

  116 Copy quote

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• As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two.

  Norman Wisdom

  Funny, Birthday, Memories

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  1556 Copy quote

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