Humorous Quotes

• 

  The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary.

  Vince Lombardi

  Inspirational, Funny, Life

  201 Copy quote

• If a little is great, and a lot is better, then way too much is just about right!

  Mae West

  Sarcastic, Witty, Littles

  34 Copy quote

• Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.

  Erica Jong

  Funny, Being Strong, Spiritual

  FaceBook post by Erica Jong from Oct 02, 2015

  123 Copy quote

  Show source
• 

  I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

  Thomas A. Edison

  Inspirational, Funny, Motivational

  414 Copy quote

• He has all of the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

  Winston Churchill

  Life, Vices, Funny Witty

  Sir Winston Churchill (1965). “The Churchill Wit”

  67 Copy quote

  Show source

• I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

  Elayne Boosler

  Funny, Life, Hilarious

  85 Copy quote
• 

  A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

  Emo Philips

  Funny, Motivational Sports, Boxing

  160 Copy quote

• Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

  Oscar Wilde

  Funny, Marriage, Sexy

  97 Copy quote

• Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

  Oscar Wilde

  Funny, Life, Happiness

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  595 Copy quote

  Show source

• If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers.

  Doug Larson

  Time, Flower, Language

  26 Copy quote

• 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

  George Carlin

  Funny, Marriage, Sarcastic

  54 Copy quote
• 

  People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

  Isaac Asimov

  Funny, Hilarious, Sarcastic

  "The Mammoth Book of Zingers, Quips, and One-Liners" edited by Geoff Tibballs, (p. 299), 2004.

  358 Copy quote

  Show source

• As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

  Buddy Hackett

  Funny, Family, Mothers Day

  102 Copy quote

• Tragedy is a close-up; comedy, a long shot.

  Buster Keaton

  Funny, Long, Comedian

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  85 Copy quote

  Show source

• Try to learn something about everything and everything about something.

  Thomas Huxley

  Graduation, Witty, Educational

  Thomas Henry Huxley, Cyril Bibby (1971). “T. H. Huxley on Education”, p.10, Cambridge University Press

  84 Copy quote

  Show source

• I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.

  Shirley Temple

  Funny, Christmas, Mother

  Quoted in Leslie Halliwell, Halliwell's Filmgoer's Companion (1984)

  60 Copy quote

  Show source
• 

  Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.

  Frank Sinatra

  Love, Bible, Sarcastic

  179 Copy quote

• You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Motivation, Driving Fast

  68 Copy quote
• 

  Life is too short to miss out on the beautiful things like a double cheeseburger.

  Channing Tatum

  Funny, Life, Beautiful

  134 Copy quote

• Don't find fault, find a remedy.

  Henry Ford

  Inspirational, Motivational, Positive

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  420 Copy quote

  Show source

• A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.

  George Bernard Shaw

  Inspirational, Funny, Witty

  Everybody's Political What's What? ch. 30 (1944)

  136 Copy quote

  Show source

• Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.

  Joey Adams

  Funny, Life, Birthday

  Joey Adams (1981). “Strictly for laughs”, A & W Publishers, Inc.

  65 Copy quote

  Show source

• Never mistake motion for action.

  Ernest Hemingway

  Positive, Witty, Mistake

  Ernest Hemingway (2008). “The Good Life According to Hemingway”, Ecco

  91 Copy quote

  Show source
• 

  When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

  Will Rogers

  Funny, Death, Hilarious

  2315 Copy quote

• Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

  George Carlin

  Sarcastic, Laughter, Smart

  85 Copy quote