Henny Youngman Quotes

Quotes about:

• A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says, Do what I do. I put my head on my wife's bosom, and the headache goes away. The next day, the man says, Did you do what I told you to? Yes, I sure did. By the way, you have a nice house!

  Henny Youngman

  Nice, Men, Next Day

  87 Copy quote

• A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, Here's your husband! The man's wife says, Where's his wheelchair?

  Henny Youngman

  Husband, Fall, Home

  149 Copy quote

• Everytime I ask what time it is, I get a different answer.

  Henny Youngman

  Different, Answers, Asks

  Henny Youngman (1994). “Henny Youngman's Bar Jokes, Bar Bets and Bar Tricks”, Outlet

  37 Copy quote

• I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Motivational, Witty

  125 Copy quote

• A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Crazy, Humor

  94 Copy quote

• My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

  Henny Youngman

  Good Life, Grandma, Drinking

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

  161 Copy quote

• I said to my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' She said, 'I want to go somewhere I've never been before.' I said, 'Try the kitchen.'

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Food, Humor

  83 Copy quote

• Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Thinking, Men

  43 Copy quote

• Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Relationship, Anniversary

  92 Copy quote

• A guy says, I'm so old that I forgot how old I am. An old woman says, I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over. The man does this. The woman says, You're seventy four. The man says, How can you tell? The woman says, You told me yesterday.

  Henny Youngman

  Men, Clothes, Yesterday

  81 Copy quote

• A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

  Henny Youngman

  Drinking, Beer, Drunk

  110 Copy quote

• When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

  Henny Youngman

  Crazy, Drinking, Reading

  Quoted in Rocky Mountain News, 15 July 1994

  112 Copy quote

• I call my lawyer and say, 'Can I ask you two questions?' He says, 'What's the second question?'

  Henny Youngman

  Two, Lawyer, Asks

  16 Copy quote

• I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected.

  Henny Youngman

  Political, Political Jokes, Jokes

  71 Copy quote

• Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, New York, Humor

  48 Copy quote

• It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

  Henny Youngman

  Men, Married, Single Man

  82 Copy quote

• My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him.

  Henny Youngman

  Wife, Missing, My Best Friend

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  38 Copy quote

• I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There is water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake."

  Henny Youngman

  Lakes, Water, Wife

  29 Copy quote

• Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they are okay, you're it.

  Henny Youngman

  God, People, Stupidity

  58 Copy quote

• While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

  Henny Youngman

  Golf, Two, Balls

  "Biography / Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  51 Copy quote

• I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

  Henny Youngman

  Anniversary, Husband, Inspiration

  "The Haunted Smile: The Story of Jewish Comedians in America". Book by Lawrence J. Epstein, 2001.

  33 Copy quote

• Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.

  Henny Youngman

  Sarcastic, Years, Two

  36 Copy quote

• Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Marriage, Women

  85 Copy quote

• In high school football, the coach kept me on the bench all year. On the last game of the season, the crowd was yelling, We want Youngman! We want Youngman! The coach says, Youngman - go see what they want!

  Henny Youngman

  Football, School, Years

  10 Copy quote

• You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

  Henny Youngman

  I Love You, Marriage, Funny Love

  26 Copy quote

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