Henny Youngman Quotes - Page 8

Quotes about:

• A bomb fell on Italy. It slid off!

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Humor, Italian

  4 Copy quote

• If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Life, Humor

  Henny Youngman (1994). “Henny Youngman's Bar Jokes, Bar Bets and Bar Tricks”, Outlet

  5 Copy quote

• My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

  Henny Youngman

  Sea, Wife, Funny Marriage

  "The Haunted Smile: The Story of Jewish Comedians in America". Book by Lawrence J. Epstein, 2001.

  7 Copy quote

• I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings!

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Humor, Two

  4 Copy quote

• I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Humor, Men

  7 Copy quote

• I've kissed so many women I can do it with my eyes closed.

  Henny Youngman

  Eye, I Can Do It, Can Do

  Henny Youngman (1994). “Henny Youngman's Bar Jokes, Bar Bets and Bar Tricks”, Outlet

  5 Copy quote

• I live about four muggings from Central Park.

  Henny Youngman

  Central Park, Four, Parks

  8 Copy quote

• A baby-sitter is a teenager who gets two dollars an hour to eat five dollars' worth of your food.

  Henny Youngman

  Inspirational, Baby, Teenage

  8 Copy quote

• I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Jobs, Humor

  4 Copy quote

• Those bellhops in Miami are tip-happy. I ordered a deck of playing cards and the bellboy made fifty-two trips to my room.

  Henny Youngman

  Two, Cards, Fifty

  7 Copy quote

• Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Humor, Divorce

  Amazon Women on the Moon, www.imdb.com. 1987.

  10 Copy quote

• Why does the New Italian navy have glass bottom boats? To see the Old Italian Navy!

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Humor, Italian

  7 Copy quote

• I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. "Peanuts. Popcorn."

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Theatre, Firsts

  8 Copy quote

• Are you Polish? Okay, I'll talk slower.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Humor, Okay

  5 Copy quote

• I went to the bank and reviewed my savings, I found out I have all the money I'll ever need. If I die tomorrow.

  Henny Youngman

  Needs, Saving, Tomorrow

  6 Copy quote

• I'd commit suicide, if I could do it without killing myself.

  Henny Youngman

  Suicide, Killing, Commit

  8 Copy quote

• A little man is running a jewelry store. A man runs in saying, Okay, take my watch, put on a new band, install a new battery, clean the case, install a new crystal, and tune it up. I will be back in a half hour for it. Thanks! and runs out the door. The little jeweler says, C-C-C-Come in?

  Henny Youngman

  Running, Men, Doors

  7 Copy quote

• I asked a Jewish man, "Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?" He said, "Yes", and walked away.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Humor, Men

  5 Copy quote

• My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?

  Henny Youngman

  New York, Dad, Drinking

  11 Copy quote

• Farrah's dressing room was next to mine. There was a little hole in the wall. I let her look.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Wall, Humor

  8 Copy quote

• He doesn't get ulcers - he gives them.

  Henny Youngman

  Giving, Ulcers, Insult

  Henny Youngman (1994). “Henny Youngman's Bar Jokes, Bar Bets and Bar Tricks”, Outlet

  8 Copy quote

• I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Humor, Italian

  4 Copy quote

• All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.

  Henny Youngman

  Home, Men, Homeless

  6 Copy quote

• My wife has a keen sense of humor. The more I humor her, the better.

  Henny Youngman

  Wife, Sense Of Humor, My Wife

  4 Copy quote

• Take my wife... Please!

  Henny Youngman

  Wife, My Wife, Please

  Henny Youngman (2014). “Take My Wife, Please!: Henny Youngman's Giant Book of Jokes”, Skyhorse Publishing Inc.

  4 Copy quote

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