Most girls are attracted to the simple things in life. Like men.
Payday at my house is like the Academy Awards. My wife says: May I have the envelope please.
A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."
Zsa Zsa Gabor is an expert housekeeper. Every time she gets divorced, she keeps the house.
Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!"
A Polish man in a helicopter. Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? "It got chilly up there, so I turned off the fan!"
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.
A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"
I think the world of you...and you know what condition the world is in today.
The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.
Have you noticed that families on TV never watch television?
I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
I have a car that I call Flattery because it gets me nowhere.
A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says, "Next!"
Anybody who thinks talk is cheap has never argued with a traffic cop.
You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.
Two kangaroos were talking to each other, and one said, 'I hope it doesn't rain today. I hate it when the children play inside.
When it comes to work, there are many who will stop at nothing.
College: A fountain of knowledge where all go to drink.
Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"
His motto is "Love Thy Neighbor". His neighbor is an 18 year old hooker.
This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!
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