Henny Youngman Quotes - Page 4

Quotes about:

• A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says, "Next!"

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Humor, Men

  11 Copy quote

• The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Horse, Humor

  25 Copy quote

• I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

  Henny Youngman

  Love, Funny, Anniversary

  20 Copy quote

• All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Humor, Sick

  12 Copy quote

• A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Humor, Men

  33 Copy quote

• Most girls are attracted to the simple things in life. Like men.

  Henny Youngman

  Girl, Simple, Men

  8 Copy quote

• A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!"

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Humor, Men

  27 Copy quote

• Anybody who thinks talk is cheap has never argued with a traffic cop.

  Henny Youngman

  Communication, Thinking, Cop

  7 Copy quote

• The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner.

  Henny Youngman

  Wine, Way, Usual

  54 Copy quote

• Payday at my house is like the Academy Awards. My wife says: May I have the envelope please.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Awards, Wife

  10 Copy quote

• I think the world of you...and you know what condition the world is in today.

  Henny Youngman

  Inspirational, Thinking, World

  Henny Youngman (1994). “Henny Youngman's Bar Jokes, Bar Bets and Bar Tricks”, Outlet

  12 Copy quote

• She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Humor, Yelling

  13 Copy quote

• "Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Humor, Doctors

  7 Copy quote

• A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Get Well, Humor

  88 Copy quote

• When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
  My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

  Henny Youngman

  Husband, Men, Doors

  24 Copy quote

• You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Humor, Looks

  Henny Youngman (1994). “Henny Youngman's Bar Jokes, Bar Bets and Bar Tricks”, Outlet

  21 Copy quote

• I told my mother-in-law my house is your house. So she sold it.

  Henny Youngman

  Mother, Law, House

  10 Copy quote

• When it comes to work, there are many who will stop at nothing.

  Henny Youngman

  14 Copy quote

• A Polish man in a helicopter. Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? "It got chilly up there, so I turned off the fan!"

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Humor, Men

  24 Copy quote

• My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Humor, Night

  6 Copy quote

• I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Hilarious, Mother

  15 Copy quote

• If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Mother, Jobs

  35 Copy quote

• My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Humor, Rooms

  Henny Youngman, Neal Karlen (1992). “Take my life, please!”, Thorndike Pr

  6 Copy quote

• I just made a killing in the stock market -- I shot my broker.

  Henny Youngman

  Killing, Made, Shots

  Henny Youngman (1994). “Henny Youngman's Bar Jokes, Bar Bets and Bar Tricks”, Outlet

  10 Copy quote

• Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Humor, Parking Meters

  25 Copy quote

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