Mitch Hedberg Quotes

Quotes about:

• I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Ducks, Comedian, Bread

  "Just For Laughs: On The Edge". 2002.

  36 Copy quote

• I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Travel, Fall

  "Making Maps, Second Edition" by John Krygier, Denis Wood, The Guilford Press, (p. 58), 2011.

  62 Copy quote

• I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Humor, Long

  "Strategic Grill Locations". 1999.

  39 Copy quote

• I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Humor, Drug

  26 Copy quote

• I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Crazy, Humor

  96 Copy quote
• 

  I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Life, Dream

  80 Copy quote

• My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Real, Hero

  22 Copy quote

• An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Sorry, Humor

  61 Copy quote

• Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Humor, Really Cool

  "Do You Believe In Gosh?". Comedy album by Mitch Hedberg, 2008.

  57 Copy quote

• The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Depressing, Wall

  39 Copy quote

• I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait".

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Wine, Humor

  Live album: "Mitch All Together". Track 3 "Not Track Five, Not Chainsaw Juggler", December 9, 2003.

  28 Copy quote

• I know people who believe in ghosts but don't believe in themselves.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Believe, People, Ghost

  10 Copy quote

• My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Leadership, Sarcastic

  "Mitch All Together". Live album by Mitch Hedberg, December 9, 2003.

  111 Copy quote

• I was walking down the street with my friend and he said 'I hear music,' as though there's any other way to take it in. 'You're not special. That's how I receive it too... I tried to taste it, but it did not work'.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Philosophy, Humor

  "Strategic Grill Locations". Live Album by Mitch Hedberg, September 7, 1999.

  16 Copy quote

• I'd hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Hate, Animal, Giraffe

  32 Copy quote

• A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Sleep, Beef, Bags

  Live album: "Do You Believe in Gosh?", September 9, 2008.

  45 Copy quote

• Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Food, Humor

  69 Copy quote

• They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. I tried to make it at home. There's more to it than that.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Home, Humor

  13 Copy quote

• When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Brother, Humor

  "Live album: "Mitch All Together"". December 9, 2003.

  35 Copy quote

• I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Humor, Gum

  94 Copy quote

• I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Witty, Clever

  "Strategic Grill Locations". Comedy album by Mitch Hedberg, 1999.

  24 Copy quote

• Pepperidge Farm bread. That's fancy bread. You can tell it's fancy because it's wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn't open. That's why I don't buy it. I don't need another step between me and toast.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Humor, Needs

  26 Copy quote

• Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Lonely, Humor

  16 Copy quote

• I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Humor, Thinking

  17 Copy quote

• Every picture of you is when you were younger.

  Mitch Hedberg

  6 Copy quote

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