Comedian Quotes

• Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.

  Will Rogers

  Funny, Life, Change

  Will Rogers, Bryan B. Sterling (1988). “The Will Rogers scrapbook”, Random House Value Publishing

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• I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

  George Carlin

  Funny, Humor, Stupid People

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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• Once you realize what a joke everything is, being the Comedian is the only thing that makes sense.

  Alan Moore

  Humor, Realizing, Make Sense

  "Fictional character: Edward Blake". "Watchmen", www.imdb.com. 2009.

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• It's only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realize how often they burst into flames.

  Harry Hill

  Funny, Nature, Glasses

  "Harry Hill". TV Series, 1997 - 2000.

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• I always like to go to Washington D.C. It gives me a chance to visit my money.

  Bob Hope

  Funny, Money, America

  81 Copy quote

• Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!

  Billy Connolly

  Inspirational, Funny, Witty

  743 Copy quote

• Life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves.

  Bill Hicks

  Funny, Dream, Revolutionary Ideas

  "Bill Hicks: Sane Man". Documentary, Comedy, 1989.

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• It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.

  Andy Borowitz

  Funny, Money, Nice

  FaceBook post by Andy Borowitz from Jul 09, 2012

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• Pro and con are opposites, that fact is clearly seen. If progress means to move forward, then what does congress mean?

  Nipsey Russell

  Funny, Humorous, Moving

  79 Copy quote

• I was terrified when my doctor told me that I had a unique and interesting personality trait, but then he told me about new Zoloft or Prozac and now I just take three pills a day and I blend right into this horrible inbred corporate landscape.

  Doug Stanhope

  Depression, Unique, Doctors

  97 Copy quote

• Being a comedian, people tell me stuff they shouldn't tell their therapist.

  Jeff Foxworthy

  Funny, Humor, People

  21 Copy quote
• 

  In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure.

  Bill Cosby

  Inspirational, Motivational, Positive

  Twitter post from Nov 18, 2009

  331 Copy quote

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• Comedians are really writers who don't
  have pens and pencils about them, but
  they riff.

  Carl Reiner

  Pens, Pencils

  Interview with Ken Plume, asitecalledfred.com. October 2004.

  8 Copy quote

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• 

  I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

  Joan Rivers

  Funny, Hilarious, Hate

  Quoted in Michele Brown and Ann O'Connor, Woman Talk (1984)

  49 Copy quote

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• Cat food. It stinks a bit, but if you don't put up with the smell, the little kitten will die.

  Karl Pilkington

  Funny, Food, Cat

  20 Copy quote

• Happy white peoples independence day the slaves weren't free but I'm sure they enjoyed fireworks.

  Chris Rock

  4th Of July, Holiday, White

  Twitter post from Jul 04, 2012

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• It is better to look good than to feel good.

  Billy Crystal

  Feel Good, Looks, Looking Good

  Song: You Look Marvelous

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• The test of a real comedian is whether you laugh at him before he opens his mouth.

  George Jean Nathan

  Funny, Real, Humor

  American Mercury, Sept. 1929

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• But it's fun to be something, have that, and you don't have to be real. It's like, comedians. They go on and they're doing all these jokes. I would be like that if I were more awake

  Parker Posey

  Fun, Real, Would Be

  5 Copy quote

• I'm happy to say that I'm a lesbian in the world. I know there are people who don't want to be called women comedians, but I think it gives a path to the fact that we live in extremely patriarchal times.

  Mary Cheney

  Thinking, People, Giving

  5 Copy quote

• I think my speeches are hilarious. I think I'm a natural comedian, but I like denying people the chance to laugh. I want to deny you the relief of the punchline.

  Lydia Lunch

  Thinking, Ethos, Lunch

  6 Copy quote

• Half of the great comedians I've had in my shows and that I paid a lot of money to and who made my customers shriek were not only not funny to me, but I couldn't understand why they were funny to anybody.

  Florenz Ziegfeld

  Money, Half, Made

  "Personal Quotes/ Biography". www.imdb.com.

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• The comedians all finished their acts with a song. They would get a certain amount of money from the song publishers and would use that money to pay the writers. None of them paid very much for their comedy material, but it all added up.

  Denis Norden

  Song, Use, Pay

  5 Copy quote

• It was a decision to work clean. I just prefer to work that way. I have no problem with comedians who don't work that way. There was a temptation in the early '70s to reconsider. I decided against it.

  Bob Newhart

  Decision, Temptation, Way

  5 Copy quote

• Inside was the second LP album of a comedian's performance before an audience.

  Shelley Berman

  Albums, Audience, Performances

  5 Copy quote