Comedian Quotes

• Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.

  Will Rogers

  Funny, Life, Change

  Will Rogers, Bryan B. Sterling (1988). “The Will Rogers scrapbook”, Random House Value Publishing

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• I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

  George Carlin

  Funny, Humor, Stupid People

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  61 Copy quote

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• Once you realize what a joke everything is, being the Comedian is the only thing that makes sense.

  Alan Moore

  Humor, Realizing, Make Sense

  "Fictional character: Edward Blake". "Watchmen", www.imdb.com. 2009.

  43 Copy quote

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• Life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves.

  Bill Hicks

  Funny, Dream, Revolutionary Ideas

  "Bill Hicks: Sane Man". Documentary, Comedy, 1989.

  30 Copy quote

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• But truly, women are amazing. Think about it this way: a woman can grow a baby inside her body. Then a woman can deliver the baby through her body. Then, by some miracle, a woman can feed a baby with her body. When you compare that to the male’s contribution to life, it’s kind of embarrassing, really.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Baby, Women

  29 Copy quote

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• Being a comedian, people tell me stuff they shouldn't tell their therapist.

  Jeff Foxworthy

  Funny, Humor, People

  19 Copy quote

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• The test of a real comedian is whether you laugh at him before he opens his mouth.

  George Jean Nathan

  Funny, Real, Humor

  American Mercury, Sept. 1929

  17 Copy quote

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• The baby Jesus was the last homeless person the Republicans liked.

  Andy Borowitz

  Funny, Baby, Jesus

  FaceBook post by Andy Borowitz from Dec 13, 2012

  63 Copy quote

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• Next time someone says, 'Where has big government ever gotten us?' the correct answer is 'Mars.'

  Andy Borowitz

  Funny, Government, Next

  FaceBook post by Andy Borowitz from Aug 06, 2012

  3 Copy quote

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• All Americans mourn the passing of the author of the Declaration of Independence, George Jefferson.

  Andy Borowitz

  Funny, Mourning, Independence

  FaceBook post by Andy Borowitz from Jul 25, 2012

  15 Copy quote

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• As we go from Abraham Lincoln to Theodore Roosevelt to Mitt Romney, I now understand why the Republicans don't believe in evolution.

  Andy Borowitz

  Funny, Believe, Stupid People

  FaceBook post by Andy Borowitz from Jul 06, 2012

  82 Copy quote

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• On July 4 we celebrate government of the people, by the people, and for the people, or as they are now called, corporations.

  Andy Borowitz

  Funny, Anniversary, 4th Of July

  FaceBook post by Andy Borowitz from Jul 05, 2012

  19 Copy quote

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• It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.

  Andy Borowitz

  Funny, Money, Nice

  FaceBook post by Andy Borowitz from Jul 09, 2012

  45 Copy quote

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• Call me a dreamer, but I think it would be great if getting medical attention were as easy as getting a gun.

  Andy Borowitz

  Gun, Thinking, Medicine

  FaceBook post by Andy Borowitz from Jun 28, 2012

  65 Copy quote

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• Congress is furious at the Secret Service for consorting with hookers, which has traditionally been Congress's role.

  Andy Borowitz

  Funny, Usa, Secret

  FaceBook post by Andy Borowitz from Apr 18, 2012

  37 Copy quote

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• Ann Romney: 'The hardest part of being a stay at home mom was deciding which of our homes to stay at.'

  Andy Borowitz

  Mom, Home, Hardest

  FaceBook post by Andy Borowitz from Apr 14, 2012

  10 Copy quote

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• Sarah Palin has decided not to run for President and go straight to the quitting part.

  Andy Borowitz

  Funny, Running, Political

  FaceBook post by Andy Borowitz from Oct 05, 2011

  16 Copy quote

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• Every week Republicans are excited about a new candidate because the one they liked last week turned out to be a moron.

  Andy Borowitz

  Funny, Stupid People, Political

  FaceBook post by Andy Borowitz from Sep 29, 2011

  21 Copy quote

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• I keep going because if you stop, you stop. Why retire? Inspire.

  Mickey Rooney

  Inspirational, Moving On, Retirement

  47 Copy quote

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• Catch Fire, Do Something, Get Excited by Finding Your Purpose In Life.

  Steve Harvey

  Life, Fire, African American

  FaceBook post by Steve Harvey from Dec 18, 2014

  37 Copy quote

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• 

  You never know what's around the corner unless you peek. Hold someone's hand while you do it. You will feel less scared.

  Amy Poehler

  Inspirational, Fear, Hands

  Harvard University Class Day Commencement Address, delivered 26 May 2011

  21 Copy quote

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• You can truly grieve for every officer who's been lost in the line of duty in this country, and still be troubled by cases of police overreach.

  Jon Stewart

  Respect, Country, Regret

  "Jon Stewart To Fox News’ Brian Kilmeade: ‘F—k You’" by Catherine Taibi, www.huffingtonpost.com. December 9, 2014.

  349 Copy quote

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• Don't censor yourself to comfort their ignorance.

  Jon Stewart

  Ignorance, Comforting, Ignorant People

  17 Copy quote

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• Let the world know you as you are, not as you think you should be.

  Fanny Brice

  Inspirational, Being Yourself, Self Esteem

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  137 Copy quote

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• Why should we tell kidnappers, murderers, and embezzlers their rights? If they don't know their rights, they shouldn't be in the business.

  Pat Paulsen

  Rights, Law, Knowing

  53 Copy quote

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