I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.
Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.
A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but who, as a group, can meet and decide that nothing can be done.
Washington is no place for a good actor. The competition from bad actors is too great.
If criticism had any power to harm, the skunk would be extinct by now.
The vice-president of an advertising agency is a bit of executive fungus that forms on a desk that has been exposed to conference.
Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.
My hometown was so dull that one time the tide went out and never came back.
It is bad to suppress laughter. It goes back down and spreads to your hips.
I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
A human being is nothing but a story with skin around it.
A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.
Treat employees like partners, and they act like partners.
The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.
My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.
I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and - I can't remember what the third thing is.
Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.
You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.
The average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she knows the average man can see much better than he can think- Ladies' Home JournalI'd rather have two girls at seventeen than one at thirty-four
A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.
I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin.
If the grass is greener in the other fellow's yard- let him worry about cutting it.
Condensed milk is wonderful. I don't see how they can get a cow to sit down on those little cans.
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