I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.
A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but who, as a group, can meet and decide that nothing can be done.
You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.
A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.
My hometown was so dull that one time the tide went out and never came back.
She used to be a teacher but she has no class now.
A human being is nothing but a story with skin around it.
I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and - I can't remember what the third thing is.
Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.
If criticism had any power to harm, the skunk would be extinct by now.
The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.
Washington is no place for a good actor. The competition from bad actors is too great.
What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement.
Everything is for the eye these days - TV, Life, Look, the movies. Nothing is just for the mind. The next generation will have eyeballs as big as cantaloupes and no brain at all.
Cocktail party: A gathering held to enable forty people to talk about themselves at the same time. The man who remains after the liquor is gone is the host.
It is bad to suppress laughter. It goes back down and spreads to your hips.
I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines.
He was so narrow minded that if he fell on a pin it would blind him in both eyes.
The average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she knows the average man can see much better than he can think- Ladies' Home JournalI'd rather have two girls at seventeen than one at thirty-four
If the grass is greener in the other fellow's yard- let him worry about cutting it.
Treat employees like partners, and they act like partners.
A psychiatrists is the next man you start talking to after you start talking to yourself.
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