Fred Allen Quotes - Page 2

Quotes about:

• If the grass is greener in the other fellow's yard- let him worry about cutting it.

  Fred Allen

  Uplifting, Cutting, Worry

  Fred Allen (2016). “Treadmill to Oblivion”, p.121, Pickle Partners Publishing

  14 Copy quote

• During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk.

  Fred Allen

  Funny, Humor, Men

  "Sunday Observer; Brass Hat In Hand" by Russell Baker, www.nytimes.com. April 17, 1983.

  11 Copy quote

• Treat employees like partners, and they act like partners.

  Fred Allen

  Funny, Business, Humor

  89 Copy quote

• Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.

  Fred Allen

  Sarcastic, Men, Should

  "Biography / Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  11 Copy quote

• The average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she knows the average man can see much better than he can think- Ladies' Home JournalI'd rather have two girls at seventeen than one at thirty-four

  Fred Allen

  Girl, Home, Maturity

  8 Copy quote

• An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.

  Fred Allen

  Funny, Humor, Income

  13 Copy quote

• Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs.

  Fred Allen

  Funny, Stars, Humor

  48 Copy quote

• I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines.

  Fred Allen

  Easter, Kids, Home

  Fred Allen (1956). “Much Ado About Me”

  62 Copy quote

• The vice-president of an advertising agency is a bit of executive fungus that forms on a desk that has been exposed to conference.

  Fred Allen

  Funny, Humor, Agency

  13 Copy quote

• Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars.

  Fred Allen

  Funny, Stars, Mistake

  Quoted in Evan Esar, The Dictionary of Humorous Quotations (1949)

  88 Copy quote

• Condensed milk is wonderful. I don't see how they can get a cow to sit down on those little cans.

  Fred Allen

  Food, Cooking, Littles

  Fred Allen (2008). “Much Ado About Me”, p.200, Wildside Press LLC

  14 Copy quote

• I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin.

  Fred Allen

  Funny, Death, Humor

  18 Copy quote

• I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.

  Fred Allen

  Funny, Family, Witty

  Fred Allen (2008). “Much Ado About Me”, p.200, Wildside Press LLC

  17 Copy quote

• The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.

  Fred Allen

  Love, Funny, Humor

  8 Copy quote

• On ships they call them barnacles; in business they attach themselves to desks and are called vice presidents.

  Fred Allen

  President, Ships, Vices

  17 Copy quote

• I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.

  Fred Allen

  Graduation, Education, Laughter

  88 Copy quote

• I was just working in the shop and all of a sudden something just triggered in me, and I started shaking. And then I walked back into the house and my wife asked, 'What's the matter?' And I said, 'I don't feel good.' And tears, uncontrollable tears, was coming out of my eyes and she says, 'What's the matter?' And I told her. I said, 'I just thought about that execution that I did two days ago, and everybody else's that I was involved in.' And what it was, something triggered within, and it just, everybody - all of these executions all sprung forward.

  Fred Allen

  Eye, Two, Wife

  "In America; Inside the Death House" by Bob Herbert, www.nytimes.com. October 9, 2000.

  4 Copy quote

• He dreamed he was eating shredded wheat and woke up to find the mattress half gone.

  Fred Allen

  Inspirational, Life, Motivational

  7 Copy quote

• My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.

  Fred Allen

  Funny, Children, Father

  Fred Allen (2008). “Much Ado About Me”, p.200, Wildside Press LLC

  10 Copy quote

• English coffee tastes like water that has been squeezed out of a wet sleeve.

  Fred Allen

  Coffee, Water, Taste

  Fred Allen (2009). “Treadmill to Oblivion”, p.167, Wildside Press LLC

  9 Copy quote

• California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.

  Fred Allen

  Funny, Laughter, California

  American Magazine Dec. 1945, p. 120

  17 Copy quote

• Television is a triumph of equipment over people, and the minds that control it are so small that you could put them in a gnat's navel with room left over for two caraway seeds and an agent's heart.

  Fred Allen

  Art, Two, Gnats

  57 Copy quote

• An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.

  Fred Allen

  Business, Agency, Confusion

  25 Copy quote

• The world is a grindstone and life is your nose

  Fred Allen

  Life, Noses, World

  20 Copy quote

• In show business, more showgirls are kept than promises.

  Fred Allen

  Promise, Shows, Show Business

  7 Copy quote

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