Fred Allen Quotes - Page 2

Quotes about:

• He was so narrow minded that if he fell on a pin it would blind him in both eyes.

  Fred Allen

  Sarcastic, Eye, Blind

  8 Copy quote

• During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk.

  Fred Allen

  Funny, Humor, Men

  "Sunday Observer; Brass Hat In Hand" by Russell Baker, www.nytimes.com. April 17, 1983.

  11 Copy quote

• Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs.

  Fred Allen

  Funny, Stars, Humor

  48 Copy quote

• All that the comedian has to show for his years of work and aggravation is the echo of forgotten laughter.

  Fred Allen

  Funny, Laughter, Humor

  Fred Allen (2009). “Treadmill to Oblivion”, p.240, Wildside Press LLC

  9 Copy quote

• The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.

  Fred Allen

  Love, Funny, Humor

  8 Copy quote

• On ships they call them barnacles; in business they attach themselves to desks and are called vice presidents.

  Fred Allen

  President, Ships, Vices

  17 Copy quote

• Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.

  Fred Allen

  Sarcastic, Men, Should

  "Biography / Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  11 Copy quote

• Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars.

  Fred Allen

  Funny, Stars, Mistake

  Quoted in Evan Esar, The Dictionary of Humorous Quotations (1949)

  88 Copy quote

• An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.

  Fred Allen

  Funny, Humor, Income

  13 Copy quote

• I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.

  Fred Allen

  Funny, Family, Witty

  Fred Allen (2008). “Much Ado About Me”, p.200, Wildside Press LLC

  17 Copy quote

• I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin.

  Fred Allen

  Funny, Death, Humor

  18 Copy quote

• Condensed milk is wonderful. I don't see how they can get a cow to sit down on those little cans.

  Fred Allen

  Food, Cooking, Littles

  Fred Allen (2008). “Much Ado About Me”, p.200, Wildside Press LLC

  14 Copy quote

• I was just working in the shop and all of a sudden something just triggered in me, and I started shaking. And then I walked back into the house and my wife asked, 'What's the matter?' And I said, 'I don't feel good.' And tears, uncontrollable tears, was coming out of my eyes and she says, 'What's the matter?' And I told her. I said, 'I just thought about that execution that I did two days ago, and everybody else's that I was involved in.' And what it was, something triggered within, and it just, everybody - all of these executions all sprung forward.

  Fred Allen

  Eye, Two, Wife

  "In America; Inside the Death House" by Bob Herbert, www.nytimes.com. October 9, 2000.

  4 Copy quote

• English coffee tastes like water that has been squeezed out of a wet sleeve.

  Fred Allen

  Coffee, Water, Taste

  Fred Allen (2009). “Treadmill to Oblivion”, p.167, Wildside Press LLC

  9 Copy quote

• I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.

  Fred Allen

  Graduation, Education, Laughter

  87 Copy quote

• He dreamed he was eating shredded wheat and woke up to find the mattress half gone.

  Fred Allen

  Inspirational, Life, Motivational

  7 Copy quote

• My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.

  Fred Allen

  Funny, Children, Father

  Fred Allen (2008). “Much Ado About Me”, p.200, Wildside Press LLC

  10 Copy quote

• California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.

  Fred Allen

  Funny, Laughter, California

  American Magazine Dec. 1945, p. 120

  17 Copy quote

• An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.

  Fred Allen

  Business, Agency, Confusion

  25 Copy quote

• The world is a grindstone and life is your nose

  Fred Allen

  Life, Noses, World

  20 Copy quote

• In show business, more showgirls are kept than promises.

  Fred Allen

  Promise, Shows, Show Business

  7 Copy quote

• Television is the triumph of machine over people.

  Fred Allen

  Funny, Humor, People

  9 Copy quote

• The advertising world had space men in it before spacemen existed.

  Fred Allen

  Funny, Humor, Men

  8 Copy quote

• Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.

  Fred Allen

  Funny, Humor, Technology

  9 Copy quote

• I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man.

  Fred Allen

  Men, Doctors, Boston

  5 Copy quote

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