My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.
Radio is called a medium because it is rare that anything is well done.
He was so narrow minded that if he fell on a pin it would blind him in both eyes.
All that the comedian has to show for his years of work and aggravation is the echo of forgotten laughter.
The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.
The advertising world had space men in it before spacemen existed.
Cocktail party: A gathering held to enable forty people to talk about themselves at the same time. The man who remains after the liquor is gone is the host.
Condensed milk is wonderful. I don't see how they can get a cow to sit down on those little cans.
Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.
An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.
The average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she knows the average man can see much better than he can think- Ladies' Home JournalI'd rather have two girls at seventeen than one at thirty-four
I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.
What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement.
The vice-president of an advertising agency is a bit of executive fungus that forms on a desk that has been exposed to conference.
He always had a chip on his shoulder that he was ready to use to kindle an argument.
The world is a grindstone and life is your nose
I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and - I can't remember what the third thing is.
In show business, more showgirls are kept than promises.
I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines.
A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.
Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.
An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer.
On ships they call them barnacles; in business they attach themselves to desks and are called vice presidents.
Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.
A comedian who starts talking to himself becomes his own audience. This is fatal.
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