There are three signs of old age: loss of memory ... I forget the other two.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always
All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.
Old age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
I personally believe that each of us was put here for a purpose -- to build not to destroy. If I can make people smile, then I have served my purpose for God.
Live by this credo: have a little laugh at life and look around you for happiness instead of sadness. Laughter has always brought me out of unhappy situations.
Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime.
If by chance some day you're not feeling well and you should remember some silly thing I've said or done and it brings back a smile to your face or a chuckle to your heart, then my purpose as your clown has been fulfilled.
I've put on a lot of weight... I only weighed six and a half pounds when I was born.
People think I am dead because they haven’t seen me around for awhile. I’m not dead, I’m very much alive, as you can see. Although, there are two things I do before I get up every morning. I look around and if I don’t smell flowers or see candles flickering I go ahead and get up.
I don't hate my enemies. After all, I made 'em.
My doctor said I look like a million dollars - green and wrinkled.
No matter what your heartache may be, laughing helps you forget it for a few seconds.
Television: The device that brings into your living room characters you would never allow in your living room.
I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
A fellow told me he was going to hang-glider school. He said, 'I've been going for three months. ' I said, 'How many successful jumps do you need to make before you graduate?' He said, 'All of them. '
She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off
I don't need glasses, but I've just reached the age where curiosity is greater than vanity.
I personally believe we were put here to build and not to destroy.
Recipe for a happy marriage: My wife and I always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
Congress: Bingo with billions.
Today's comics use four-letter words as a shortcut to thinking. They're shooting for that big laugh and it becomes a panic thing, using four-letter words to shock people.
I was a sober as the next guy. The only problem is the next guy was Dean Martin
I won't mind dying if I can tell St. Peter a joke he hasn't heard.
She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
Follow AzQuotes on Facebook, Twitter and Google+. Every day we present the best quotes! Improve yourself, find your inspiration, share with friends