George Burns Quotes

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  First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

  George Burns

  Funny, Happy Birthday, Humor

  122 Copy quote

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• There's an old saying, 'Life begins at forty.' That's silly. Life begins every morning you wake up.

  George Burns

  Morning, Silly, Wake Up

  131 Copy quote

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• 

  I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate.

  George Burns

  Inspirational, Cute, Positive

  125 Copy quote

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• 

  Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.

  George Burns

  Inspirational, Funny, Running

  Quoted in Life, Dec. 1979

  119 Copy quote

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• 

  You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.

  George Burns

  Birthday, Optimistic, Wish

  George Burns, David Fisher (1990). “All my best friends”, Perigee

  72 Copy quote

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• 

  You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.

  George Burns

  Funny, Hilarious, Retirement

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  121 Copy quote

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• I get up every morning and read the obituary column. If my name's not there, I eat breakfast.

  George Burns

  Morning, Names, Breakfast

  100 Copy quote

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• 

  I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life.

  George Burns

  Inspirational, Life, Time

  George Burns (1989). “How to live to be 100--or more: the ultimate diet, sex, and exercise book”, Plume

  112 Copy quote

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• It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

  George Burns

  Clever, Drinking, Drunk

  110 Copy quote

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• And God said 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.'

  George Burns

  People, Lawyer, Blame

  73 Copy quote

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• Lots of people have asked me what Gracie and I did to make our marriage work. It's simple - we don't do anything. I think the trouble with a lot of people is that they work too hard at staying married. They make a business out of it. When you work too hard at a business you get tired; and when you get tired you get grouchy; and when you get grouchy you start fighting; and when you start fighting you're out of business.

  George Burns

  Wisdom, Tired, Fighting

  George Burns (1980). “Living It Up”, Berkley

  84 Copy quote

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• People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit.

  George Burns

  Birthday, Retirement, People

  52 Copy quote

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• When you stop giving and offering something to the rest of the world, it's time to turn out the lights.

  George Burns

  Inspiring, Teamwork, Light

  101 Copy quote

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• I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.

  George Burns

  Funny, Music, Scotch

  George Burns (1980). “Living It Up”, Berkley

  98 Copy quote

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• Young. Old. Just words. Inside we feel like our shoe size.

  George Burns

  Shoes, Size, Young

  59 Copy quote

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• The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

  George Burns

  Funny, Life, Humor

  82 Copy quote

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• I was brought up to respect my elders, so now I don't have to respect anybody.

  George Burns

  Happy Birthday, Elders

  75 Copy quote

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• If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.

  George Burns

  Funny, Birthday, Death

  75 Copy quote

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• In those days the best painkiller was ice; it wasn't addictive and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it.

  George Burns

  Funny, Humor, Ice

  George Burns (1988). “Gracie/Caeser Spec Ed”, Putnam Publishing Group

  43 Copy quote

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• Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

  George Burns

  Love, Inspirational, Funny

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

  118 Copy quote

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• Love is a lot like a backache. It doesn't show up on x-rays, but you know it's there.

  George Burns

  Relationship, Funny Love, Love You

  George Burns (1988). “Gracie/Caeser Spec Ed”, Putnam Publishing Group

  80 Copy quote

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• When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

  George Burns

  Funny, Witty, Humorous

  George Burns (1986). “Dear George: advice & answers from America's leading expert on everything from A to B”, G K Hall & Co

  98 Copy quote

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• I must be getting absent-minded. Whenever I complain that things aren't what they used to be, I always forget to include myself.

  George Burns

  Funny, Witty, Complaining

  24 Copy quote

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• I don't worry about getting old. I'm old already. Only young people worry about getting old. When I was 65, I had Cupid's eczema. I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now - I'm booked.

  George Burns

  Believe, People, Worry

  58 Copy quote

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• Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

  George Burns

  Inspirational, Funny, Life

  36 Copy quote

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