First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
There's an old saying, 'Life begins at forty.' That's silly. Life begins every morning you wake up.
Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.
I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life.
I get up every morning and read the obituary column. If my name's not there, I eat breakfast.
You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.
You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.
I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate.
I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.
And God said 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.'
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.
If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.
I was brought up to respect my elders, so now I don't have to respect anybody.
It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
In those days the best painkiller was ice; it wasn't addictive and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it.
I'd rather be over the hill than under it.
When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.
There's nothing wrong with making love with the light on. Just make sure the car door is closed.
Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.
Young. Old. Just words. Inside we feel like our shoe size.
It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair.
When you stop giving and offering something to the rest of the world, it's time to turn out the lights.
I must be getting absent-minded. Whenever I complain that things aren't what they used to be, I always forget to include myself.
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