I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.
I called a detox center - just to see how much it would cost: $13,000 for three weeks! My friends, if you can come up with thirteen grand, you don't have a problem yet.
It occurred to me that there wouldn't be world hunger, if you people would MOVE WHERE THE FOOD IS!!!
There's always 30 or 40 Christians standing around, saying, "It's a shame that he has to die." And Jesus is saying, "Well, maybe I wouldn't have to if somebody would get a ladder and pair of pliers!!"
The Russians haven't been to the moon. You know why? Because they're space pussies... You really want to impress us? Bring us back our FLAG!
How does a guy look at another guy's hairy ass, and find love?
I have lived a carnal life. My view of life is 'If you're going to miss Heaven, why miss it by two inches? Miss it!' I don't have to go through the thing of paying for it in the next life. I know I'm screwed in the next life.
If I get married again, I want a guy there with a drum to do rimshots during the vows.
Every generation has someone who steps outside the norm and offers a voice for the unspeakable attitudes of that time. I represent everything that's supposed to be wrong, everything that's forbidden.
There's no happy ending to cocaine. You either die, you go to jail, or else you run out.
Real comedy doesn't just make people laugh and think, but makes them laugh and change.
Obviously I'm not a role model for impressionable youth.
Folks, I've been straight for seventeen days... Not all in a row.
I look for women I know are gonna bust me up good. Come on, man, who can resist that? Who can resist that emotional pain? Yeah, they all have the same line, they're so sweet: I'm not gonna hurt you like all the others. Really I'm not. I'm gonna introduce you to a whole new level of pain!
Rage only works if it is justified. That's the trick with rage. You gotta have a reason to be mad.
Rock Against Drugs, what a name. Somebody was high when they came up with that title. It's like Christians Against Christ. Rock created drugs.
Jesus is still up in Heaven, thumbing through his Bible, going 'Where did I say build a water slide?'
Well, life was tough, but at least I was able to live it out and I was able to face death and not be afraid.
You gotta keep falling in love. You gotta believe in it. What are you going to do... give sheep the vote?
My view of life is, 'If you're going to miss Heaven, why miss it by two inches? Miss it!
Lick the alphabet. It makes you appear creative, it's an easy diagram to remember, it's like "aaaaa.... beeeee.... ceeee.
With any other celebrity, people come up and say, 'Hey, I really like your work.' But with my fans, when they see me, they don't even say hello. They just go, 'AWWWWWGHGHHHGHGHRRR!'
Jesus had a tough life. I read about that guy. Jesus is the only guy that ever came back from the dead that didn't scare the F- out of everybody!
So many people counted on me to be the party, I had to move far enough away that they wouldn't want to drive there.
In the 1990s, it's OK to do comedy about the Chernobyl disaster or the Space Shuttle blowing up. It's acceptable to ridicule the Pope or the President of the United States, but God forbid you do a joke... about gays. The gay community is the last sacred cow in this society.
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