Milton Berle Quotes

Quotes about:

• You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.

  Milton Berle

  Funny, Inspiring, Graduation

  28 Copy quote

• If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.

  Milton Berle

  Inspirational, Motivational, Change

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  150 Copy quote

• My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

  Milton Berle

  Funny, Running, Health

  116 Copy quote

• The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.

  Milton Berle

  Funny, Hilarious, Women

  77 Copy quote

• My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine.

  Milton Berle

  Marriage, Running, Perfect

  59 Copy quote

• Folk who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign.

  Milton Berle

  Life, Land, America

  50 Copy quote

• You're aging when your actions creak louder than your words.

  Milton Berle

  Action, Aging

  33 Copy quote
• 

  Laughter is an instant vacation.

  Milton Berle

  Love, Family, Happiness

  104 Copy quote

• Money can't buy you happiness. It just helps you look for it in more places.

  Milton Berle

  Looks, Helping, Prosperity

  17 Copy quote

• I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.

  Milton Berle

  Love, Inspiring, Encouraging

  39 Copy quote

• This is how it is today: The teachers are afraid of the principals. The principals are afraid of the superintendents. The superintendents are afraid of the board of education. The board is afraid of the parents. The parents are afraid of the children. The children are afraid of nothing!

  Milton Berle

  Teacher, Children, Parent

  54 Copy quote

• Do you realise that Eve was the only woman who ever took a man's side?

  Milton Berle

  Men, Sides, Realising

  31 Copy quote
• 

  If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

  Milton Berle

  Funny, Mothers Day, Hilarious

  250 Copy quote

• Jews don't drink much because it interferes with their suffering.

  Milton Berle

  Suffering, Drink, Jew

  8 Copy quote

• A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

  Milton Berle

  Love, Marriage, Husband

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  64 Copy quote

• Most attorneys practice law because it gives them a grand and glorious feeling. You give them a grand - and they feel glorious.

  Milton Berle

  Law, Practice, Giving

  16 Copy quote

• I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won't let me plug it in.

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Beautiful, Mother

  13 Copy quote

• It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!

  Milton Berle

  Funny, Money, Funny Money

  8 Copy quote

• They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.

  Milton Berle

  Funny, Life, Hilarious

  24 Copy quote

• A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers, I hit every one of them!

  Milton Berle

  Fall, Men, Missing

  25 Copy quote

• Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.

  Milton Berle

  Life, Sex, Funny Marriage

  16 Copy quote

• We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.

  Milton Berle

  Funny, Humor, Television Watching

  32 Copy quote

• My wife sent me a Valentine card that said, "Take my heart, take my lips, take my soul." That's just like her. She kept the good parts for herself.

  Milton Berle

  Valentine, Heart, Wife

  36 Copy quote

• In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.

  Milton Berle

  Men, Three, Speak

  10 Copy quote

• Some kids want to know why the teachers get paid when it's the kids who have to do all the work.

  Milton Berle

  Education, Teacher, Teaching

  14 Copy quote

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