If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.
My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.
Laughter is an instant vacation.
My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine.
You're aging when your actions creak louder than your words.
You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.
I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.
Folk who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign.
If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
This is how it is today: The teachers are afraid of the principals. The principals are afraid of the superintendents. The superintendents are afraid of the board of education. The board is afraid of the parents. The parents are afraid of the children. The children are afraid of nothing!
Do you realise that Eve was the only woman who ever took a man's side?
Money can't buy you happiness. It just helps you look for it in more places.
Most attorneys practice law because it gives them a grand and glorious feeling. You give them a grand - and they feel glorious.
A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers, I hit every one of them!
In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.
At eighty-two, I feel like a twenty-year-old, but, unfortunately, there's never one around.
Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.
There are a lot of things money can't buy. Not one of them is on my son's list.
I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.
A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, "Who Should we notify in case of an accident?" He mulls it over and then writes, "Anybody in sight!"
Sex at eighty-four is terrific, especially the one in the winter.
Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.
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