If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.
My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.
You're aging when your actions creak louder than your words.
You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.
Laughter is an instant vacation.
This is how it is today: The teachers are afraid of the principals. The principals are afraid of the superintendents. The superintendents are afraid of the board of education. The board is afraid of the parents. The parents are afraid of the children. The children are afraid of nothing!
My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine.
Folk who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign.
I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.
If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
Do you realise that Eve was the only woman who ever took a man's side?
Money can't buy you happiness. It just helps you look for it in more places.
Most attorneys practice law because it gives them a grand and glorious feeling. You give them a grand - and they feel glorious.
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers, I hit every one of them!
My wife calls our waterbed the Dead Sea.
We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.
In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.
Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.
I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.
Just remember, golf is flog spelled backwards.
All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express.
My wife sent me a Valentine card that said, "Take my heart, take my lips, take my soul." That's just like her. She kept the good parts for herself.
Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.
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