If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
Laughter is an instant vacation.
If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.
This is how it is today: The teachers are afraid of the principals. The principals are afraid of the superintendents. The superintendents are afraid of the board of education. The board is afraid of the parents. The parents are afraid of the children. The children are afraid of nothing!
My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.
You're aging when your actions creak louder than your words.
The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.
My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine.
You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.
Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.
Folk who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign.
At eighty-two, I feel like a twenty-year-old, but, unfortunately, there's never one around.
Los Angeles is the home of the three little white lies: "The Ferrari is paid for," "The mortgage is assumable," and "It's just a cold sore!
We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.
Do you realise that Eve was the only woman who ever took a man's side?
It was a tough school. The kids on the debating team took steroids!
They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.
All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express.
A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, "Who Should we notify in case of an accident?" He mulls it over and then writes, "Anybody in sight!"
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won't let me plug it in.
The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.
It's rough to go through life with your contents looking as if they settled during shipping.
My wife calls our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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