My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.
The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.
Laughter is an instant vacation.
If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.
My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine.
You're aging when your actions creak louder than your words.
I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.
Folk who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign.
If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
Do you realise that Eve was the only woman who ever took a man's side?
This is how it is today: The teachers are afraid of the principals. The principals are afraid of the superintendents. The superintendents are afraid of the board of education. The board is afraid of the parents. The parents are afraid of the children. The children are afraid of nothing!
Money can't buy you happiness. It just helps you look for it in more places.
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers, I hit every one of them!
Most attorneys practice law because it gives them a grand and glorious feeling. You give them a grand - and they feel glorious.
We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.
Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.
The human brain is special. It starts working as soon as you get up and it doesn't stop until you get to school.
Who says we didn't have controversial subjects on TV back in my time? Remember Bonanza? It was about three guys in high heels living together
In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.
There are a lot of things money can't buy. Not one of them is on my son's list.
My wife sent me a Valentine card that said, "Take my heart, take my lips, take my soul." That's just like her. She kept the good parts for herself.
I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.
Nowadays, when a speaker tells the graduates that the future is theirs--is that a promise or a threat?
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