If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
You're aging when your actions creak louder than your words.
My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.
The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.
You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.
Laughter is an instant vacation.
My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine.
I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.
This is how it is today: The teachers are afraid of the principals. The principals are afraid of the superintendents. The superintendents are afraid of the board of education. The board is afraid of the parents. The parents are afraid of the children. The children are afraid of nothing!
Folk who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign.
If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
Do you realise that Eve was the only woman who ever took a man's side?
Money can't buy you happiness. It just helps you look for it in more places.
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Most attorneys practice law because it gives them a grand and glorious feeling. You give them a grand - and they feel glorious.
A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers, I hit every one of them!
We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.
Jews don't drink much because it interferes with their suffering.
I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won't let me plug it in.
Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.
When I was in school, one of my teachers was crazy about me. I once heard her tell another teacher, "I wish he was my kid for one day!"
In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.
I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.
The human brain is special. It starts working as soon as you get up and it doesn't stop until you get to school.
Just remember, golf is flog spelled backwards.
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