You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.
The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.
My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine.
My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.
If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
You're aging when your actions creak louder than your words.
Laughter is an instant vacation.
This is how it is today: The teachers are afraid of the principals. The principals are afraid of the superintendents. The superintendents are afraid of the board of education. The board is afraid of the parents. The parents are afraid of the children. The children are afraid of nothing!
I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.
If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
Folk who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign.
Do you realise that Eve was the only woman who ever took a man's side?
Money can't buy you happiness. It just helps you look for it in more places.
A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers, I hit every one of them!
Most attorneys practice law because it gives them a grand and glorious feeling. You give them a grand - and they feel glorious.
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Nowadays, when a speaker tells the graduates that the future is theirs--is that a promise or a threat?
Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.
We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.
All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express.
Committee - a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.
It's always consoling to know that today's Christmas gifts are tomorrow's garage sales.
I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.
A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, "Who Should we notify in case of an accident?" He mulls it over and then writes, "Anybody in sight!"
When I was in school, one of my teachers was crazy about me. I once heard her tell another teacher, "I wish he was my kid for one day!"
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