They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.
It's always consoling to know that today's Christmas gifts are tomorrow's garage sales.
My son has a big Christmas problem - what do you buy for a father who has everything and you're using it?
Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list
Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I'd told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in a while. This year my boss gave me the name of a new doctor.
I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size.
My sister-in-law found a real surprise in her stockings - my brother.
Our tree was so puny we used orthopedic bulbs.
For Christmas the just came out with a battery-operated battery. But the batteries aren't included.
I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.
My son asked for very little - a kickstand, with a motorcycle attached.
She wanted an Italian sports car - with the sport still in it.
I bought a Christmas tree for twenty dollars. When I came home the next day, my wife was wearing it in her hair.
I just bought a great gift for my boss - a leaky ant farm.
My son gave me a nice bottle of cologne - Eau de Owe.
Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.
I bought an ideal gift for my mother-in-law - a battery-operated mouth.
I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't.
My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, "Let's get your nephew a set of drums. That's what your brother did to us last year."
The Post Office is very careful nowadays. When they get a package marked "Fragile," they throw it underhand.
I bought my kid an educational toy to help him make it through life. No matter how you put it together, it's wrong.
I wanted to get the guy who works next to me in the office something he really wants, but how do you wrap up a saloon?
My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?
There are a lot of things money can't buy. Not one of them is on my son's list.
At Christmas you can get real bargains. I saw one item marked down ten dollars. It was a yacht.
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