Milton Berle Quotes About Christmas

Quotes about: Christmas

• They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Real, Tree

• The Post Office is very careful nowadays. When they get a package marked "Fragile," they throw it underhand.

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Office, Careful

• It's always consoling to know that today's Christmas gifts are tomorrow's garage sales.

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Today, Tomorrow

• My son has a big Christmas problem - what do you buy for a father who has everything and you're using it?

  Milton Berle

  Funny, Christmas, Money

• Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Years, Eight

• I bought a Christmas tree for twenty dollars. When I came home the next day, my wife was wearing it in her hair.

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Home, Hair

• I just bought a great gift for my boss - a leaky ant farm.

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Boss, Ants

• My son gave me a nice bottle of cologne - Eau de Owe.

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Nice, Son

• Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Suicide, Kids

• I bought an ideal gift for my mother-in-law - a battery-operated mouth.

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Mother, Law

• I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't.

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Mistake, Giving

• My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, "Let's get your nephew a set of drums. That's what your brother did to us last year."

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Brother, Years

• I bought my kid an educational toy to help him make it through life. No matter how you put it together, it's wrong.

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Educational, Kids

• I wanted to get the guy who works next to me in the office something he really wants, but how do you wrap up a saloon?

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Office, Guy

• My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Men, Giving

• There are a lot of things money can't buy. Not one of them is on my son's list.

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Son, Lists

• At Christmas you can get real bargains. I saw one item marked down ten dollars. It was a yacht.

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Real, Dollars

• I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won't let me plug it in.

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Beautiful, Mother

• I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, "It doesn't do anything. It's just a Christmas gift."

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Gadgets, Saws

• My wife wants something foreign for Christmas - like a Mexican divorce.

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Divorce, Want Something

• At the Christmas party, the secretary with the long red hair ate three pickles, and four salesmen panicked.

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Party, Hair

• I bought my son a bat for Christmas. On New Year's it flew away.

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, New Year, Son

• In the suburbs it's hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December.

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Years, December

• One of those Christmas songs says, "You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout." How's my wife going to get along?

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Song, Wife

• This man's wife told him, "For Christmas, surprise me." On Christmas Eve he leaned over where she was sleeping and said, "Boo!"

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Sleep, Men

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