Milton Berle Quotes About Christmas

Quotes about: Christmas

• They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Real, Tree

• It's always consoling to know that today's Christmas gifts are tomorrow's garage sales.

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Today, Tomorrow

• The Post Office is very careful nowadays. When they get a package marked "Fragile," they throw it underhand.

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Office, Careful

• Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Years, Eight

• My son has a big Christmas problem - what do you buy for a father who has everything and you're using it?

  Milton Berle

  Funny, Christmas, Money

• I bought my kid an educational toy to help him make it through life. No matter how you put it together, it's wrong.

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Educational, Kids

• I wanted to get the guy who works next to me in the office something he really wants, but how do you wrap up a saloon?

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Office, Guy

• My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Men, Giving

• There are a lot of things money can't buy. Not one of them is on my son's list.

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Son, Lists

• At Christmas you can get real bargains. I saw one item marked down ten dollars. It was a yacht.

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Real, Dollars

• I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won't let me plug it in.

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Beautiful, Mother

• I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, "It doesn't do anything. It's just a Christmas gift."

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Gadgets, Saws

• My wife wants something foreign for Christmas - like a Mexican divorce.

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Divorce, Want Something

• At the Christmas party, the secretary with the long red hair ate three pickles, and four salesmen panicked.

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Party, Hair

• I bought my son a bat for Christmas. On New Year's it flew away.

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, New Year, Son

• In the suburbs it's hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December.

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Years, December

• One of those Christmas songs says, "You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout." How's my wife going to get along?

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Song, Wife

• This man's wife told him, "For Christmas, surprise me." On Christmas Eve he leaned over where she was sleeping and said, "Boo!"

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Sleep, Men

• Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Insecure, Numbers

• I bought my son an indestructible toy. Yesterday he left it in the driveway. It broke my car.

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Son, Yesterday

• Our local department store had two Santas - one for regular kids and one for kids who wanted ten toys or less.

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Kids, Two

• War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss.

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, War, Scary

• Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I'd told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in a while. This year my boss gave me the name of a new doctor.

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Doctors, Years

• I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size.

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Wife, Size

• My sister-in-law found a real surprise in her stockings - my brother.

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Brother, Real

Page 1 of 2

← Prev

1

2

Next →

• facebook
• twitter
• googleplus
• email
• linkedin

• facebook
• twitter
• googleplus
• email
• linkedin