Milton Berle Quotes - Page 4

Quotes about:

• I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor McGee and Molly Picon.

  Milton Berle

  Insulting, Mind, Bob

  7 Copy quote

• One of those Christmas songs says, "You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout." How's my wife going to get along?

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Song, Wife

  15 Copy quote

• He was such a bad writer, they revoked his poetic license.

  Milton Berle

  Writing, Poetic License, Poetic

  5 Copy quote

• Valentine's Day - a nice holiday because it's the first day of the rest of your wife.

  Milton Berle

  Nice, Valentine, Holiday

  16 Copy quote

• You look like a normal person, if you can find a normal person who wants to look like that.

  Milton Berle

  Looks, Want, Normal

  7 Copy quote

• I really doubt whether evolution ever works, how then come Mothers have only two hands

  Milton Berle

  Mother, Hands, Two

  14 Copy quote

• My son really has the spirit of Valentine's Day. When he was in college, he used to send his mother a heart-shaped box of laundry.

  Milton Berle

  Mother, Valentine, Heart

  8 Copy quote

• I don't date women my age. There aren't any.

  Milton Berle

  Age

  7 Copy quote

• For Christmas the just came out with a battery-operated battery. But the batteries aren't included.

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Batteries

  7 Copy quote

• I just read about a schoolteacher who got hurt. She was grading papers on a curve!

  Milton Berle

  Hurt, Teaching, Curves

  9 Copy quote

• In the suburbs it's hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December.

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Years, December

  5 Copy quote

• My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, "Let's get your nephew a set of drums. That's what your brother did to us last year."

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Brother, Years

  9 Copy quote

• An adult western is where the hero still kisses his horse at the end, only now he worries about it.

  Milton Berle

  Horse, Hero, Kissing

  "Biography / Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  10 Copy quote

• One teacher recently retired with a half-million dollars after 30 years of working hard, caring, dedicating herself and totally immensing herself in the problems of the students. That gave her $50. The rest of the money came from the death of a rich uncle.

  Milton Berle

  Education, Teacher, Uncles

  9 Copy quote

• Now that doctors have stopped making house calls, lots of patients now have to die without their help.

  Milton Berle

  Doctors, House, Helping

  5 Copy quote

• If you hire relatives, you'll have a payroll that won't quit.

  Milton Berle

  Quitting, Payroll, Ifs

  5 Copy quote

• It was a tough school. The kids on the debating team took steroids!

  Milton Berle

  Education, Team, Teaching

  9 Copy quote

• My son gave me a nice bottle of cologne - Eau de Owe.

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Nice, Son

  4 Copy quote

• Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Insecure, Numbers

  7 Copy quote

• Our local department store had two Santas - one for regular kids and one for kids who wanted ten toys or less.

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Kids, Two

  4 Copy quote

• I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Wife, Twenties

  10 Copy quote

• I take New Years with a grain of salt and three aspirins.

  Milton Berle

  New Year, Years, Grain Of Salt

  9 Copy quote

• I wanted to get the guy who works next to me in the office something he really wants, but how do you wrap up a saloon?

  Milton Berle

  Christmas, Office, Guy

  5 Copy quote

• My son has a big Christmas problem - what do you buy for a father who has everything and you're using it?

  Milton Berle

  Funny, Christmas, Money

  4 Copy quote

• I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.

  Milton Berle

  Thinking, Middlemen

  8 Copy quote

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