I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting.
I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor McGee and Molly Picon.
I don't date women my age. There aren't any.
My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, "Let's get your nephew a set of drums. That's what your brother did to us last year."
Valentine's Day - a nice holiday because it's the first day of the rest of your wife.
I really doubt whether evolution ever works, how then come Mothers have only two hands
You look like a normal person, if you can find a normal person who wants to look like that.
If you hire relatives, you'll have a payroll that won't quit.
Now that doctors have stopped making house calls, lots of patients now have to die without their help.
An adult western is where the hero still kisses his horse at the end, only now he worries about it.
For Christmas the just came out with a battery-operated battery. But the batteries aren't included.
One teacher recently retired with a half-million dollars after 30 years of working hard, caring, dedicating herself and totally immensing herself in the problems of the students. That gave her $50. The rest of the money came from the death of a rich uncle.
In the suburbs it's hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December.
My son gave me a nice bottle of cologne - Eau de Owe.
I bought my son an indestructible toy. Yesterday he left it in the driveway. It broke my car.
I just read about a schoolteacher who got hurt. She was grading papers on a curve!
On Valentine's Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse.
It was a tough school. The kids on the debating team took steroids!
Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.
Our local department store had two Santas - one for regular kids and one for kids who wanted ten toys or less.
I take New Years with a grain of salt and three aspirins.
I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.
My son has a big Christmas problem - what do you buy for a father who has everything and you're using it?
I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?
I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.
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