Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.
The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced.
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
Strange as it may seem, my life is based on a true story
Sarcasm is the lowest form of humor but the highest form of flattery.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I can fluently speak five languages: English, emoji, sexting, sarcasm and sass.
An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
The 100% American is 99% idiot.
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
The consumer isn't a moron; she is your wife.
A good listener is usually thinking about something else.
Satire is a sort of glass, wherein beholders do generally discover everybody's face but their own.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today?
Automatic simply means that you can?t repair it yourself.
The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.
Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called everybody, and they meet at the bar.
Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
Neither irony nor sarcasm is argument.
If you can't detect the sarcasm you've misunderstood.
I have never killed any one, but I have read some obituary notices with great satisfaction.
Sarcasm is not the rapier of wit its wielders seem to believe it to be, but merely a club: it may, by dint of brute force, occasionally raise bruises, but it never cuts or pierces.
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