Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.
The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced.
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
Sarcasm is the lowest form of humor but the highest form of flattery.
The world is a stage, but the play is badly cast.
I can fluently speak five languages: English, emoji, sexting, sarcasm and sass.
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.
Don't be humble... you're not that great.
If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today?
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
A good listener is usually thinking about something else.
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
The 100% American is 99% idiot.
Stay with me; I want to be alone
An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
Sarcasm is the protest of the weak.
Satire is a sort of glass, wherein beholders do generally discover everybody's face but their own.
Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called everybody, and they meet at the bar.
He has no enemies, but he is intensely disliked by his friends.
When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other.
Satire is a sort of glass wherein beholders do generally discover everybody’s face but their own; which is the chief reason for that kind reception it meets with in the world, and that so very few are offended with it.
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