Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
Liberals are very broadminded: they are always willing to give careful consideration to both sides of the same side
Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.
Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Some folks are wise and some are otherwise.
The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced.
The government is good at one thing. It knows how to break your legs, and then hand you a crutch and say, "See if it weren't for the government, you wouldn't be able to walk".
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you are unarmed!
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.
The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.
A fool and his money are soon elected.
Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.
Don't be humble... you're not that great.
If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
The chief excitement in a woman's life is spotting women who are fatter than she is.
The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I'm right.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.
Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much.
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