Sarcastic Quotes

• Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

  Oscar Wilde

  Funny, Life, Happiness

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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• I want either less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.

  Ashleigh Brilliant

  Sarcasm, Want, Chance

  78 Copy quote
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  Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.

  Frank Sinatra

  Love, Bible, Humorous

  198 Copy quote

• My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Leadership, Fake People

  "Mitch All Together". Live album by Mitch Hedberg, December 9, 2003.

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• I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you are unarmed!

  William Shakespeare

  Witty, Funny Life, Imagination

  370 Copy quote
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  Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.

  Abraham Lincoln

  Funny, Life, Wisdom

  Abraham Lincoln (1982). “Abraham Lincoln, wisdom & wit”, Peter Pauper Pr

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• Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.

  Mark Twain

  Funny, Life, Witty

  Quoted in Albert B. Paine, Mark Twain: A Biography (1912)

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• You can put lipstick on a pig. It's still a pig.

  Barack Obama

  Funny, Pigs, Stills

  "US election: Put lipstick on a pig? Obama and McCain both use the expression that set off 'smear' claims" by Daniel Nasaw, www.theguardian.com. September 10, 2008.

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• The government is good at one thing. It knows how to break your legs, and then hand you a crutch and say, "See if it weren't for the government, you wouldn't be able to walk".

  Harry Browne

  Funny, Integrity, Humorous

  98 Copy quote

• Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Wedding, Crazy

  49 Copy quote
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  When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

  Emo Philips

  Funny, Death, Forgiveness

  140 Copy quote

• Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

  George Carlin

  Laughter, Smart, Humorous

  96 Copy quote

• He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

  Hector Hugh Munro

  Funny, Witty, Powerful

  Beasts and Super-Beasts (1914) "The Feast of Nemesis"

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• Some folks are wise and some are otherwise.

  Tobias Smollett

  Wise, Wisdom, Stupidity And Ignorance

  Tobias Smollett, Sir Walter Scott (1835). “Select works of Tobias Smollett ...: With a memoir of the life and writings of the author”, p.24

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• The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced.

  Frank Zappa

  Funny, Sarcasm, Law

  "W. C. Privy's Original Bathroom Companion". Book by Erin Barrett and Jack Mingo (p. 134), 2003.

  184 Copy quote

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• The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

  Albert Einstein

  Witty, Clever, Creativity

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  58 Copy quote

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• The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.

  George Bernard Shaw

  Relationship, Funny Inspirational, Communication

  282 Copy quote

• Liberals are very broadminded: they are always willing to give careful consideration to both sides of the same side

  Thomas Sowell

  Giving, Funny Political, Sides

  30 Copy quote

• Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.

  Mark Twain

  Funny, Money, Honesty

  Mark Twain (2012). “The Wit and Wisdom of Mark Twain: A Book of Quotations”, p.33, Courier Corporation

  134 Copy quote

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• The German mind has a talent for making no mistakes but the very greatest.

  Clifton Fadiman

  Mistake, Mind, Talent

  12 Copy quote

• Never put off till tomorrow what you can do day after tomorrow just as well.

  Mark Twain

  Funny, Life, Time

  "Mark Twain: Collected Tales, Sketches, Speeches, and Essays Vol. 1 1852-1890".

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• The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.

  George Carlin

  Funny, Witty, Work

  "Why My Journey Of Grief Is So Like A Butterfly’s Metamorphosis" by Laurie Burrows Grad, www.huffingtonpost.com. August 4, 2016.

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• Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.

  Kurt Vonnegut

  Funny, Witty, Hipster

  Kurt Vonnegut (2016). “If This Isn't Nice What Is? (Much) Expanded Second Edition: The Graduation Speeches and Other Words to Live By”, p.131, RosettaBooks

  36 Copy quote

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• I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Marriage, Wedding

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  114 Copy quote

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  If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Sarcasm, Laughing

  495 Copy quote