Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.
The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.
The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.
The chief excitement in a woman's life is spotting women who are fatter than she is.
Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.
The government is good at one thing. It knows how to break your legs, and then hand you a crutch and say, "See if it weren't for the government, you wouldn't be able to walk".
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.
I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you are unarmed!
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
A sarcastic person has a superiority complex that can be cured only by the honesty of humility.
You can always count on Americans to do the right thing - after they've tried everything else.
A fool and his money are soon elected.
If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
A modest little person, with much to be modest about.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I'm right.
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