Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.
Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.
I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you are unarmed!
Some folks are wise and some are otherwise.
The government is good at one thing. It knows how to break your legs, and then hand you a crutch and say, "See if it weren't for the government, you wouldn't be able to walk".
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced.
Abstract art: a product of the untalented sold by the unprincipled to the utterly bewildered.
Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.
The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.
Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.
He is brilliant - to the top of his boots.
The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.
If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Failure has gone to his head.
Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.
He is an old bore. Even the grave yawns for him.
He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.
A fool and his money are soon elected.
Follow AzQuotes on Facebook, Twitter and Google+. Every day we present the best quotes! Improve yourself, find your inspiration, share with friends