Sarcastic Quotes - Page 5

• Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.

  P. J. O'Rourke

  Funny, Life, Children

  P. J. O'Rourke (2007). “The Bachelor Home Companion: A Practical Guide to Keeping House Like a Pig”, p.124, Grove/Atlantic, Inc.

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• Your idea of fidelity is not having more than one man in bed at the same time.

  Frederic Raphael

  Men, Ideas, Bed

  'Darling' (1965) ch. 18

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• At a turbulent public meeting once I lost my temper and said some harsh and sarcastic things. The proposal I was supporting was promptly defeated. My father who was there, said nothing, but that night, on my pillow I found a marked passage from Aristotle: Anybody can become angry--that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way -- that is not within everybody's power and is not easy.

  Arthur Gordon Webster

  Father, Night, Degrees

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• She not only kept her lovely figure, she's added so much to it.

  Bob Fosse

  Lovely, Figures

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• I want to reach your mind - where is it currently located?

  Ashleigh Brilliant

  Mind, Want

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• The best part of you ran down your mother's legs.

  Jackie Gleason

  Mother, Legs, Ran

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• That young girl is one of the least benightedly unintelligent organic life forms it has been my profound lack of pleasure not to be able to avoid meeting.

  Douglas Adams

  Cute, Girl, Profound

  Douglas Adams (2009). “Life, the Universe and Everything”, p.128, Pan Macmillan

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• His face was filled with broken commandments.

  John Masefield

  Broken, Faces, Filled

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• She's so pure, Moses couldn't even part her knees.

  Joan Rivers

  Knees, Hillarious, Moses

  "The Mammoth Book of Comic Quotes". Book by Geoff Tibballs, 2012.

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• She tells enough white lies to ice a wedding cake.

  Margot Asquith

  Inspirational, Lying, Memorable

  In Listener 11 June 1953 "Margot Oxford: a Personal Impression" by Lady Violet Bonham Carter

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• We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.

  George Carlin

  Funny, Witty, Humorous

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• The triumph of sugar over diabetes.

  George Jean Nathan

  Triumph, Sugar, Diabetes

  George Jean Nathan (1919). “Comedians All”

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• Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

  Mae West

  Witty, Humorous, Gun

  "MIT Students Develop A Wearable That Detects Emotions In Speech" by Logan Strain, wearablezone.com. February 09, 2017.

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• I am easily satisfied with the very best.

  Winston Churchill

  Motivational, Humorous, Commitment

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• Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair.

  Josh Billings

  Hair, League, Knows

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• A woman in love can't be reasonable - or she probably wouldn't be in love.

  Mae West

  Love, Funny, Life

  Mae West (1967). “The wit and wisdom of Mae West”

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• I don't like food that's too carefully arranged; it makes me think that the chef is spending too much time arranging and not enough time cooking. If I wanted a picture I'd buy a painting.

  Andy Rooney

  Food, Sarcasm, Thinking

  "Eating Out With Andy Rooney; With Every Course, an Opinion" by Bryan Miller, www.nytimes.com. October 04, 1989.

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• Modesty is the artifice of actors, similar to passion in call girls.

  Jackie Gleason

  Girl, Passion, Actors

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• He is so stupid you can't trust him with an idea.

  John Steinbeck

  Stupid, Ideas

  John Steinbeck (1990). “Journal of a Novel: The East of Eden Letters”, p.157, Penguin

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• I fear that I have not got much to say about Canada, not having seen much; what I got by going to Canada was a cold.

  Henry David Thoreau

  Canada, Cold

  1866 A Yankee in Canada.

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• He has sat on the fence so long that the iron has entered his soul.

  David Lloyd George

  Iron, Long, Soul

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• If you can't live without me, why aren't you dead already?

  Cynthia Heimel

  Funny, Ifs

  Cynthia Heimel (2002). “If You Can't Live Without Me, Why Aren't You Dead Yet?!”, Grove Press

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• The Japanese have perfected good manners and made them indistinguishable from rudeness.

  Paul Theroux

  Rude, Manners, Made

  Paul Theroux (1976). “The great railway bazaar: by train through Asia”

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• If I had known what it would be like to have it all - I might have been willing to settle for less.

  Lily Tomlin

  Funny, Eyeglasses, Would Be

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• We have the best government that money can buy.

  Mark Twain

  Funny, Money, Sarcasm

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