People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
She's so pure, Moses couldn't even part her knees.
Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough.
My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, "pick up, I know you're there."
I hate thin people; 'Oh, does the tampon make me look fat?'
I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.
My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.
Looking 50 is great, if you're 60.
She's so hairy - when she lifted up her arm I thought it was Tina Turner in her armpit.
I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewelry.
I was just reading about the new Lindsay Lohan diet, which is all liquid. 80 proof.
Elizabeth Taylor's so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
All babies look like Renée Zellweger pushed against a glass window.
I said to my husband, 'Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?' He said, 'I don't want to wake you up.'
She's so fat, she's my two best friends.
No man will ever put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.
I've learned from doing my own show with Fox that people are not your partners if they're signing the checks. Whoever signs your paycheck is the boss - no matter what they tell you.
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
I'm in nobody's circle, I've always been an outsider.
Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.
My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.
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