Funny Life Quotes

• Sometimes I lie awake at night, and ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

  Charles M. Schulz

  Love, Funny, Inspiring

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  I consider myself a crayon... I may not be your favorite color but one day you'll need me to complete your picture.

  Lauryn Hill

  Self Esteem, Color, One Day

  216 Copy quote

• I try not to worry about the future - so I take each day just one anxiety attack at a time.

  Tom Wilson

  Worry, Anxiety, Trying

  44 Copy quote

• I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Motivational, Witty

  117 Copy quote

• To solve the human equation, we need to add love, subtract hate, multiply good, and divide between truth and error.

  Janet Coleman

  Funny, Hate, Errors

  84 Copy quote

• There are good days and there are bad days, and this is one of them.

  Lawrence Welk

  Good Day, Bad Day, Parental

  "Emmy, Vol. 9", published by Academy of Television Arts & Sciences, 1987.

  20 Copy quote

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• Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.

  Mark Twain

  Life, Graduation, Wise

  "Mark Twain, selected writings of an American skeptic". Book by Mark Twain, 1983.

  169 Copy quote

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  Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.

  Abraham Lincoln

  Funny, Life, Sarcastic

  Abraham Lincoln (1982). “Abraham Lincoln, wisdom & wit”, Peter Pauper Pr

  793 Copy quote

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  The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.

  Lucille Ball

  Happy Birthday, Beauty, Funny Birthday

  171 Copy quote

• Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.

  Oprah Winfrey

  Inspirational, Funny, Life

  403 Copy quote

• Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

  Margaret Mead

  Inspirational, Funny, Inspiring

  227 Copy quote

• We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know.

  W. H. Auden

  Inspirational, Funny, Helping Others

  W H Auden (1981). “Antæus”, Ecco Press

  122 Copy quote

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  I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.

  Ron White

  Inspirational, Funny, Encouraging

  "Blue Collar Comedy Tour Rides Again". Comedy, Documentary, www.imdb.com. 2004.

  711 Copy quote

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• Wisdom is the reward you get for a lifetime of listening when you'd have preferred to talk.

  Doug Larson

  Inspirational, Wise, Wisdom

  261 Copy quote

• It's paradoxical, that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn't appeal to anyone.

  Andy Rooney

  Ideas, Long, Age

  18 Copy quote

• Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Travel, Memories

  36 Copy quote
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  The most important thing to do in your life is to not interfere with somebody else's life.

  Frank Zappa

  Important, Life Is, Things To Do

  "The Howard Stern Show", 1987.

  272 Copy quote

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• I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you are unarmed!

  William Shakespeare

  Sarcastic, Witty, Imagination

  323 Copy quote

• People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily.

  Zig Ziglar

  Inspirational, Funny, Life

  FaceBook post by Zig Ziglar from Sep 22, 2016

  80 Copy quote

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• After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say 'I want to see the manager.'

  William S. Burroughs

  Funny, Hilarious, Witty

  William S. Burroughs (1993). “The Adding Machine: Selected Essays”, p.125, Arcade Publishing

  188 Copy quote

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• So, if you feel a smile begin, don't leave it undetected, let's start an epidemic quick, and get the world infected!

  Russell Conwell

  Smile, Funny Inspirational, Epidemics

  30 Copy quote
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  When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

  Will Rogers

  Funny, Death, Hilarious

  2324 Copy quote

• The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.

  Erma Bombeck

  Hilarious, Food, Odds

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  People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

  Isaac Asimov

  Funny, Hilarious, Sarcastic

  "The Mammoth Book of Zingers, Quips, and One-Liners" edited by Geoff Tibballs, (p. 299), 2004.

  361 Copy quote

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• A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself.

  Josh Billings

  Love, Friendship, Dog

  182 Copy quote